Something happened that day/night when she disappeared... from that day she was never the same again. Radek did something and they probably stayed together... while I was having the darkest nigh ever, which is not described here... yet... So fucking unfair... But now, I only have to forget all of this... (Should I start now that crappy talk about is she who is losing someone SO special like me?!).
I am so anxious... so many things to deal with... and I am so tired also...The job in Madrid. The visa. The Portuguese citizenship. The travel back to Brazil. Maresia ( :( :( How bad am I "getting rid of her?)... I am saying this for a long time, but I only want to sleep and wake up with everything ready to start, FRESH AND NEW.
AFTERNOON:
During the day I made a backup of my stuff here... Not much, it fit in one DVD (4,5Gb). And during this shitty process I found one terrible letter that I wrote to Emilia. I am going to publish below. It is about THAT fucking night...
And by the way she contacted me on gtalk... Do you think she is Evil or Dumb? She wants to play with my mind, or she did not realize how painful that could be? She asked how much I paid for the train from Barcelona to Madrid. She said she was not sure if she will or not go there. And she said she was looking for tickets for 22nd May. Maybe I will already be there... What the fuck? What is she planning? She is very dangerous... I think I am not going to connect to this chat for some time... My mood is too shaky. My feeling too close to the surface (once I buried them deeper, it will be fine, but...). To talk to my friends I can use Skype. Because if she ask, I will answer. And EVERYTHING she says, afects me, including her quotes... Damn it!
THE LETTER
Dear Emilia,
I really hope that I will never send this letter to you. I really hope that I am being paranoid again, and now for a different, but somehow related, reason. But my heart is really in an inexplicable and constant pain. Even after you said that my heart is safe with you as in a Swiss bank, I have the impression that the safety has just broken. I have a simple question for you, but I am going to make the longest way possible to ask it. This is just because writing just helps me stay calm. Yes, I am not calm at all since the day/evening that you just disappeared from noon till 10 AM of the following day. Less than one week ago you said that you were euphoric about our trip to Brazil in January. Two days before that day, you sent me a so nice message saying that you were just having a nice night, partying a lot but feeling incomplete because I was not there. And also that you were hating the distance between us that moment. And it was so reciprocal to what I feel every day, every time that I am doing something cool, something that I liked. But them you finally moved, and from one day to the other things became weird. We were talking or at least sending messages to each other every day since …since… I do not know exactly because was so natural. Both of us just needed to have any sort of contact with the other, right? For sure this was the main reason because I thought that your life was in dangerous due to the lack of contact and mobile answering. There was no other reason possible to imagine in the scenario where both of us were happy because you moved and then we will not need to avoid talking whenever we can or want. But in that day you just forgot me… You just forgot all of this and did not contact me, did not send me a message (similar to the one during the tapas dinner). I think it is so obvious to imagine that the guy who ALWAYS walked you home in Grenoble could be worried about you in a big and dangerous city, like Barcelona. Ok, you explained to me all the things that happened at the same time. One mobile left at CRG, and the other died. You went home too late to be online and just started the day at 10h. So far, so good. I just started to feel stupid because I did not sleep, I cried, I prayed and even considered to sell my soul to the devil (this two at the end really show how desperate I was) in exchange of your safety, because one huge chain of facts which resulted in you being totally unable to contact me. However, you are behaving differently now. You are just distant and totally reflective of my compliments, love words and longing/missing/saudades related stuff that were so natural and common between us. Because of this, I am in constant pain. I think something happened. I want to know exactly what. I am really only going to send this to you if it was really impossible to believe that you are just kind of pushing me a little back because you feel that I want to control each one of your moves. I just cannot believe that we both are not excited at the same level as 15 days ago when I visited you in Barcelona for the first time. This “whatever” feeling that you are passing to me is the worst thing I could receive from you after all the love I developed for you. Sometimes it seems like a punishment because I was so paranoid about security. But I do not know, I need to hear from you the answer to the following question: Something different happened in your life and changed everything again? What happened? (ok, 2 questions, and maybe not that simple to answer). You have to know that you do not owe me anything because of what already happened between us or because of what we already said to each other. It does not matter (it matters, but is less important than to have peace in my heart) if we planned to do several things together, like our trip to Brazil, if something changed I want to know at the same moment (I think this is quite obvious after what I said about the way you were planning to deal with Radek, but maybe it is not). Again, you do not owe me anything, any sort of time or extension to reduce the pain. The only thing you owe me, after being the holder, the caretaker of my recently thawed heart, is the truth. Nude and crude true, ALWAYS. I do not want to go to Barcelona to have a shitty weekend. I want to go, to take you to the nice places that I planned since I bought the tickets, to have another incredibly nice weekend with you. I have planned another silly romantic thing for you. But I have to be sure we are still on the same page.
Rodrigo
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