Day 11- 22/12/2009

This "miss you and think about you continuously" is stuck in my thoughts. I think about this and about her all the time. I had a dream with her talking in Portuguese and kissing me. I had a dream receiving sms from her. I have dreams reading emails from her... I am going crazy. I did not remove her from my life because of this hope, this love is killing me slowly... She is all the time in my mind.

I am Germany... They are very nice people and they are treating me very good. Several beers with Steffie's father. Delicious, and in enormous amount, food. Her mother is making a huge effort o speak in English (and I cannot even say good morning in her language). But I do not belong here... I am the extra bag... Very bad feeling. It is all the time like I really wanted to be part of a real Christmas on the winter, but with my European girlfriend... I wanted that Emilia wanted me there... I wanted to meet her parents and make my effort to speak in Polish with them... I do not want to be the extra bag. I wanted to be the shy new boyfriend from that big country down there meeting the parents in law during Christmas... I am so frustrated and sad to be such a 31 years old loser. I could say that I am probably the only guy with such strong desire of having this kind of Christmas. That is why is not happening at all..FOR SURE. The truth is, I wanted to be in Brazil, but maybe a little more with her...in Poland...

I want to stay away from everybody all the time. I want to stay in this room all day. I want to avoid contact because it is been very hard to do not appear so sad and depressed. I feel bad and I am trying to hide from everybody. But is a very awkward situation and I am almost regretting that I put myself into. Lets see what happens during the rest of the day...

She was always in my thoughts. Every stupid sms from Orange, or anything was a hope to receive something from her... This is really terrible. The rest of the day was OK... An overload of German language, but this was expected. The problem is this sentence. If she is missing me why we cannot be together. My latin blood and culture definitively cannot explain such behavior. But she is far away from being latin, right?

I talked to my sister. I told her a part of the picture. One more person there that knows how stupid and desperate I was to invite any girl to go Brazil only to do not appear there alone... Sad, ridiculous... But I really thought she was special... she could be my real second love...