Day 4 - 15/12/2009

Today I notice how the "silly" lyrics from Jimmy Cliff's song, that reminds me SO much her, is appropriate for what I have been facing. I miss her so much, but I am really earning hope because of all that happened. I am afraid to lose her so fast. However, somehow with a little effort I can make peace in my heart, and I can think more clearly now. I still cannot understand why my love it is not enough to fill her life with JOY, if one of the problems is my absence in her daily life. But I am looking to the brighter side. If I could REALLY understand everything and every single person of this world, probably life would be just too boring. I also decided to send each day one small heart in her mobile. Actually one more each day. I sent one on Sunday after reading her email. Today I sent two and I will keep doing this, one more each day (or maybe I could put five tomorrow...). There is something very special in this girl... And it is the way I feel, the way I am when we are together. I am a better person with her. The problem is that I LOVE TO LOVE, maybe as much or even more that I LOVE TO BE LOVED...

"... I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
GONE are the DARK clouds that had me DOWN...

...oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone
all of the bad feelings have disappeared
here is that rainbow I've been praying for
it's gonna be a bright bright bright bright "SUN" shiny day..."

MIDDAY: Now she just make a strange contact with me... She talked about a CRAP song from Nelly Furtado: "All Good Things". I just hate this trait of my character, but I ALWAYS try to read between the lines... And the lyrics really bothered me..."Flames to dust
Lovers to friends, Why do all good things come to an end" What do f... she meant? It is over in her mind? From lover, she sees me as a friend now? I am not her friend in that sense. And why she cannot mention that huge email that I sent to her? If she does not agree or something, just say. I am still focused on seeing the brighter side. So, I just wrote this damn thoughts here and I will erase then from my mind. I will keep waiting for some answer from her without pressuring. I can really be the strong one and help her in this difficult time (which will also help me to see a happier future). I just need her allowance.