Day 7- 18/12/2009

It was always hard to read you...but to "stay with", or to "move on" without regrets or second thoughts I really needed to get a proper read from you...

Rodrigo: "Why am I not your friend on Facebook anymore?'
Emilia: "I dont know what to write... Im sorry :( I hate myself and what I do.. I just dont know what to do! I probably need someone to think for me right now or I need time to calm down"

Emilia,
I definitively cannot say if you have serious problems and need help, if you are extremely immature and selfish, if you are doing to me the same thing you did to Radek (or maybe a mixture of what you did with both "ex ek"s of your life), or if you are just playing with me and keeping me on "stand by" or "on hold" while deciding what do you want for your life. Anyway, does not matter the reason if you just do not want to share/tell this to me and make things clear and honest. I think I deserve better.

I tortured myself and read all the letters, emails, chats ans sms between us... They show something so beautiful and exciting...(THE MOST of my life). This lack of understanding is SO painful... Now I hate to remember two statements from you :

" Do you think this feeling you have form me can just go away as fast as it appeared? I know I asked about that before… but you told me that you used to have some emotional explosion for your girlfriends in the past and after a while it burned down and you were left without any feelings for them… :/ This is not something which really “sits” on my mind right now but I would like you to think about it and give me a HONEST answer… I’m kind of turning my life upside down because of you and it would be very unfair if you were not honest… :( " - UNFAIR? YOU DID THAT AND I WAS HERE FOR YOU! SO, NOW, WHY YOU CAN NOT BE THE HONEST, THE CLEAR ONE?

"Your heart is safe with me like in a Swiss bank ;) there is only one way road now with one big... something in the end:] we just have to wait a bit longer <3" - SAFE? IT IS SQUISHED...AND WHAT IS IN THE END? ONE BIG INTERROGATION MARK?

With this email I am giving up... I am very sad because the Emilia that looked at me in the eyes when we were holding so tight during those cold days in Poland and said : " I also like you TOO much" would never treated me like I have been treated (doubts, indifference, any sort of care, no answers for phone calls, blockings, blankness...). I could love you anyway, and I could understand your problems and wait, but it seems it is not the case.

So, now THIS SOMETHING that keeps saying to you to do not lose me or forget about what happened will have to scream MUCH louder and not only inside you. It must be louder enough for me to hear and believe. Otherwise I do not want to hear about or see you for a long time.

I could not find anything more appropriate to end this letter than just quoting myself:

"I know that away from you I want that all those strangely strong feelings were just past. I do not think I deserve to keep those feelings without you closer to enjoy them, it would be too sad for me. And I also hope that you will be just happy and still without any regrets of the choices you made.

Vou sentir saudades da Polonesa mais linda e adoravel do mundo por muito tempo ainda…”

Rodrigo :(