Day 5- 16/12/2009

Emilia sentence: "But the truth is that all the time something is screaming inside me that I should not lose you or cannot forget about what happened (and I really don’t want that!)"

In general I am very sad. I am confused and kind of pissed off. I wish I could just erase her right now. One more f... time in my life that I wished that such system from "Eternal Sunshine" was really real. There is no sense in all of this. I am making a huge effort to look always to the brighter side. But definitively something is missing in this picture (and several "dark" pieces fit quite well). It is possible trying to just ignore that during the whole day, but sometimes I just cannot.

I need more explanations. I was wondering if I would ever forgive her for such selfish behavior. Maybe after filling the lacks of understanding, but now I am not sure.

This is one more day that starts with the feeling that I was the stupidest guy in the world when I bought those tickets for her to go to Brazil. I am very ashamed to tell people that I did this. The only situation when it would make sense to go to Brazil with her would be IN TOTAL AND MUTUAL LOVE. It is becoming each day more clear that it is not, and maybe it never was, the case. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on me...

I have one strange thought in my mind that started very shy and now is becoming more present. Should I just try to keep her attached to me; even in such unpleasant way, and be sure (or at least almost sure) that she will go to Brazil with me? Just to show off one pretty Polish girl for my family and friends. This is NOT REALLY the kind of behavior that is natural for me, but maybe I should just change to a more jerk kind of guy. It will protect my feelings and it will avoid awkward explanations about why I am there (in Brazil) alone now...

MIDDAY: It was the Christmas lunch at EMBL. I really do not remember another day in my life in which I felt so not fitting. I am not going to stay there for next year. I have the feeling that after Radek's post on my FACEBOOK everybody is looking at me with some sort of disgust. I really thought that was impossible to feel more down again, that I was climbing up. But this damn Christmas lunch and the bullshit lab meeting from Zhaolin (you can read Ramesh, is the same shit) really pushed me back a little closer to the bottom. I decided to give up and just went home to drink with those pills and try to sleep as long as possible...

NIGHT: I was talking to my mother and she noticed how upset I was... I just exploded crying! I REALLY wanted a hug from her (my mother) that time. I explained almost every thing that is happening, how miserable, lost and sad I have been feeling because I have no work for next year and Emilia is treating me the worst way possible. My mother could not see the whole picture because is way too complicated, but crying always help somehow. She only said something about our different cultures and that she maybe has more dificulties to talk about her problems...

I did not like to say that, but it seems that I just cannot have a partner in my live that like (love is really ask too much), admire and care about me and my problems and or my feelings as much as I can do.