Day 22- 02/01/2010

I stayed several days without writing anything... I am not sure why, because I had nothing to do, so I really could have written how I was feeling. Maybe total lack of will to do even this single task...

New Year Eve was the worst possible... Nothing is really going well for me. Strange French people... One girl with a boyfriend starring me all the time (this is like a curse)... I even could not say HAPPY NEW YEAR and hug someone. I was there with my glass of champagne alone, just sad to be there. Again, in a place where I did not belong...

Moreover I heard from Barbara Radek's version of this stuff with Emilia... She stayed with that stupid plan of just move without breaking the relation. And I thought she had understood how bad this could be for everyone involved. She came to Grenoble to visit Steffie...not me... She was lying for both of us... all the time... Apparently they are together now, because he sent one message greeting for the new year and signed with her name also... They knew I would be there... This was so cruel... Around 2AM I decided that I needed to cry... I just left the place (french way) and went home crying desperately... 2010 started even worst that 2009 ended..

I wrote to her yesterday... kind of angry, kind of sad, totally confused. Probably she will just ignore me... She is very good on that... Her heart is really cold, this is impressive. She just cannot imagine how bad she has been (maybe she can, and even enjoy that). I MUST ERASE HER FROM MY LIFE... She awoke the Rodrigo I wanted to be... Romantic, careful, happy, focus in bringing joy for the one next to me... But she is not the ONE... Definitively!

I want to understand why I cannot just be happy like so many people are... I want a girl to share my life. To treat like a princess. But also to hold me and say that everything is going to be fine when I lose the hope in my career. "because I am here for you, does not matter what happen. You have me". The problem is that all I need is love. But I am always so close to have, and something just happen and I am alone again...

I had one strange thought. I am going to write to Radek... Revenge? Angry with her and I want to avoid happiness between them? Maybe, I cannot say that is to help him to see how she really is, right? It will be a lie. But I will try make sound like this. I will start now.

Radek,
You have to decide right now if you want to know the content of this text. If you prefer to continue blind and just giving your love to Emilia without caring if she is only there to receive without loving back, just delete the email and live your life "happily" until the next "excitement" make her avoid you for sometime, again.

We never were really friends. I tried sometimes at the beginning but you were always kind of reflexive for that. It is ok, something in me you never liked. But I never meant to do something to hurt you. I did not decide to go after your girlfriend and steal her from you. Actually I am very shy and I just lack several seduction related skills. We (me and Emilia) approached to each other and just happened when you were already in Barcelona. She was feeling depressed, alone and she needed help with the visitors to your old apartment in Grenoble. It is obvious that I enjoyed her company. She is not only pretty, but smart and intelligent. One day we kissed and everything started... We were having something even before your farewell party here in Grenoble. I was away, in Munich, but receiving messages from her that the party was not the same without me. She decided to stay longer in Grenoble (to work, she probably said to you) just to see me and she lived in my place for one week before I departed for my vacations around Europe. I can say I was in love and she was corresponding such feeling very clearly. During all my vacations we talked, exchanged messages and emails every single day. Very passionate ones. And them, because my last visit for my holidays would be in Prague, she invited me to go to Poland to see her in Wroclaw. I went there and we spent 4 amazing days inside one apartment that I rent there. We only went out to visit a brewery in the center and to eat sweet sushi. During these days WE decided that we will start something together. She would end the relation with you, find her own place and I will visit her in Barcelona as much as I could. And she would do the same, visiting me in Grenoble. Since them we were talking every day, and seeing each other every two weeks. I went to Barcelona 3 times, one she was still living in the same place that you. I just rent a place and we stayed together there. At this point she told me that she will not really end the relation with you right away. Just move and wait till the distance just make the break up easy and smooth (the opposite she did to her previous boyfriend, right? She was really concerned about that). I did not agree and said that she should be HONEST, this would be the only way to make the pain as small as possible. The other times she was already living with her flatmates and I was sure she had listened me and really broke up with you, but still facing stressful problems because of the big apartment you had rent together (you sent me the "congratulations" email). And them she visited me in Grenoble for a longer weekend. I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she accepted. And she even said that she was already feeling as my girlfriend before. We had another amazing time together. We visited Steffie as a couple and went to EMBL restaurant together. I did not want to show off because everyone will think that I stole her from you, so I was trying to do not appear like a couple but several people started to ask if we were together. And I had to answer the truth. She had invited me to spend New Year Eve in Poland, but I only realized that I would have time (and money) to go after she left Grenoble. I called her and said that I could go and them she told me that everything was going really bad in her home because her mother had talked to you and you explained your version. She went crazy and because of my depression due to the lack of contract to work for EMBL next year, we decided (I regretted on the next day) to stay without talking to each other until... until the holidays we planned to have together in the end of January. I have tickets for me and for her to go to Brazil for 15 days.

On her last email, when I tried to say or we talk about our problems or we follow different pathways she explained to me that she want to stay with me, but she was feeling too guilty now because of the suffering she is causing to you. She said: "I feel I did something really bad to Radek, that I could not see how much I will hurt him and how much he is able to stand just to be with me. I dont want to be with him, something died in me quite long time ago and Im sure it is not comming back. But the problem is I cannot move on with you just like that, withouit thinking what I did to him lately..." And she ended the email writing: "Tęsknię za Tobą i myślę o Tobie CIĄGLE :("

I feel very stupid that I believed she was really sure that she wanted to stay with me. Maybe I was blind by love hormones, I do not know. But she was clearly living a double life, with me and with you (Barbara told me your version of the story...). So, indeed she is a very special girl. It is very easy to fall in love for her. She is not futile like the majority of the beautiful girls. But she clearly has problems in telling the truth. It seems that is much easier for her to just make up a "white" lie and at the end everything is going to be fine. She must learn how to deal with her choices without lying and hurting everyone surrounding her, including herself (I am sure she is really suffering now). I am very angry with her (and sad, depressed...) because she just played with my feelings. And she did the same with yours.
Rodrigo

This not for revenge... I only need explanation what is really going on. Am I going to hurt her? Is she going to hate me because of that? Why do I care? I do not think I am going to have the courage to send this... Chicken...