Day 95 - 16/03/2010

I have a job in Madrid. Sounds great, right? So, why do I feel so... so... emotionless?

The crazy German from there wrote me yesterday around 1 AM offering the job. I decided to do not follow the rules and go. Anyway it seems that I will stay in Brazil for 1-2 months. Maybe one could say that this was a kind of nice drawback. I can work for my brewery during these days. Not so bad... not so dark after all.

And today is my last official day working for EMBL... emotionless...

I think I wil be able to let her go... ( :( ) I had several dreams tonight about her. And my "dreamming me" could force the wake up all the time to avoid any good or bad thing that could happen there. It is still very sad. I still want answers, but I will never have something that makes sense. I will create my own explanation... She wanted me, maybe not as badly as I wanted her or even that I thought she wanted. I was not there all the time. She could not deal with relation by distance. She also could not deal with my crazy love and their consequences (passion is not a calm and peaceful feeling). The calmer, easier and colder option was more appropriate. She changed her mind... twice... and prefered the same she had before (only with the "mask" of being single now). So I am moving on with my love (still to be given to someone that can and want to take it). She stays with her decision... with him... hurting him. I will not allow her to hurt me anymore.

Sad, but not anxious anymore. Empty, but not paranoid by the chat. Disappointed, but not crying. Missing her, but not feeling Saudade... There is nothing good on the longing I feel and that I will feel for some time. Anyway I am relieved... kind of...