Day 8- 19/12/2009

After these blockings on gmail and on Facebook I went back to the bottom again... I am deep on the hole and I cannot see the way out... No love and no job is very hard to carry. There is no joy in my life and I do not know what to do to feel at least normal again. I wanted to be back to the empty/frozen heart Rodrigo from before. I hope this happens fast, I am dehydrated of so much crying. I am worried that I exploded and told my mother about that. ALL that HELL that I am living. I can see she is really worried because of my total lack of hope... but I could not pretend... maybe I have to try harder and show at least some sort of fake hope to calm her down...

I did not send yet the letter from yesterday to Emilia. It is very hard to give up from what we lived together for this shorter period and to give up of what I have planned to share, to have with her. How could I be so wrong? There is something wrong in my behavior with girls that I like that keep just pushing them away from me. By the other hand, girls that I do not like are always coming back...

I am going to ask to the "Polish coin of destiny" if I should send the letter or not... Bullshit! I am going to send...DONE :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

I feel that my life is so empty now... She abandoned me when I most need to have love in my live. How she could be so cruel... I do not know if I stay here in France with 3 Russians in my place or if I go to Germany with Steffie, her fiance and her family for Christmas. Anyway I do not belong anywhere... I have no one... I have nothing... I want to stop crying.

I was walking down the streets today and after one whole night snowing everything is white in Grenoble. It is so different, it is so like Christmas should be. I should be enjoying this. But it is only making me feel even sadder. Without someone to share the beauty is like a torture for me. I wish I could stop wishing that she were here...or I were there... or that we were together anywhere...

I want to go home... I want to forget that 2009 really existed. Now I can only say that I conquered one good friend in this damn year, Steffie. The rest was just small periods of happiness that made this end of the year one of the worst years of my life.