Day 2 - 13/12/2009

I am crying all the time. People on EMBL's corridors are seeing me crying. I just cannot control. Each 2 -5 minutes I remember the feeling that I felt when I was crossing the mountains between Czech Republic and Poland, and started to snow. I also cried. But because I could not contain the happiness for the expectation of seeing her and spend time with her. Everything was perfect. I thought that finally I was deserving being HAPPY AGAIN after sooooo much time just living without any joy in my heart...How the FUCK this changed so fast!?!?!? I need to know! I do not think I will be able to wait till January to figure out somehow. I am trying to wait one or two days to see if I just calm down and stop caring and missing her SO (TOO) much! Maybe I should just give up... And accept that is really over. Whatever it was that she felt, was small and not with all the meaning you expected (AND FUCKING DESERVE!!!). From the bottom of my heart I regret that I wrote that stupid message and left in her bathroom. All the happiness I felt was not worth how miserable I am feeling now.

And it is really becoming worst... Now Radek published on my facebook that "I am a pitful guy, not even a man". So, even without her, I am the fucking bastard of the shitty story. Yes, I do deserve some more pain to feel like the worst person, that do not deserve one long period of happiness and inner peace.