Day 96 - 17/03/2010

No more job! Why am I going to EMBL? Good fucking question. I am sure that asshole is not going to use my data for anything, So... what is the point? I do not know what to answer

Fucking Portuguese people! They asked me one more document... and it will take around one month to get in Brazil. I am closer to be Euopean, but not as close as it could be to make my life easier for a change.

I was thinking about a farewell party... I am really not in the mood to try to organize anything. I think I will go by "the French style", without saying goodbye. I really suck in social relations.

I am better in general. Do not expect or wait for anything from her is cleary a relieve (not a kind of). I can do my stuff again, whithout that paranoia. And speaking about that. I have to work on this trait of my personality. And also in this extreme actions that I take. I need a balance. I think I need Aikido... I will do Aikido in Madrid for sure.

I want to become more cool. I want to deal more easily with deceptions. It could be easier if I did not go to the edge of everything. If I was cool, I could have seen that it was clear that the time for me and her was just impossible. I really pushed hard. I forced, I wanted to keep her too fucking closer. More cool Rodrigo. Learn to stay calm and wait for the right moment. And learn to wait for people steps first. Never again, take the first "extreme" step again. Now I really need to be away, to avoid her. It takes long to be cool and just do not care. But I feel is possible. AI KI DO...

I had a dream about her... She was on the beach with me. She did not talk, Actually, I just stared her, like she was a statue or something. This is a little disturbuing, but I holded down my sadness. But just one commentary, "Damn, she is so fucking pretty!"

The future looks nice... kind of... I am still feeling a little sadness because of her and to move from here, and because of the feeling of reseting the life again. But this last setence is paraoxal, because the reseting is what makes me like the future. I think the darkest days are about to end... hopefully...