Day 10- 21/12/2009

Tęsknię za Tobą i myślę o Tobie CIĄGLE :(

It seems she really do not want to hurt him... But she is hurting me, and very much. I am not sure yet if the question is guiltiness, pressure from the family or something else. The point is that she prefers to take the risk of losing me than just make him suffer faster at once. I really do not get properly, but it is too important for her to do not hurt him that bad. I still cannot see the sense in just staying away from me... Maybe is part of the first plan, to stay distance from him, try to make him understand that the love can be changed to friendship without pain. And then, after some time (who knows for how long) she can try to have something with me. This is way too naive to believe... but maybe is the true... She is very wrong, I can say.

I decided to do not sell yet her tickets to Brazil...She is going to believe from yesterday to 30/12/2009 that I am just trying to forget her... (maybe I will send a Christmas message, lets see...). And then she will (her brother actually) receive flowers from me, asking if she still wants to go to Brazil. This keeps my hopes really high... If this is bad or good is still a great mystery for me

I also decided to go to Germany for Christmas with Steffie and Louis, her fiance. Sounds so loser and so different of what I wanted that happen. I am still not sure, but what are my options? Grenoble with the lost Brazilians? Lyon with Anna and the Russians that are staying in my place or Germany with a German family... The feeling that I do not have my space is very strong. I am going to spend the rest of the day traveling now...