I went to several interviews and in general I was very succesful. I was very happy with my performance and they already offered me jobs in Munich and Basel. But I could not say yes...because I wanted to stay closer to her... I wanted a job in Barcelona. But only if she had said something nice, hopeful, to me during my visit there last week. I got the job there and I am still waiting for an answer for the most exciting one... CNIO in Madrid. But as I am going to describe from now... the darkness invaded my life again.
Since Emilia definitively said that she was not going anymore with me to Brazil because of some "reasonable" reasons, she started to keep an intense contact with me. My heart that was in the begining of the freezing process, thawed again... I am so stupid, I know. How the reason of all my sufferering could also be the solution? Again, this f... love blinded me. We talked everyday, and even with some passionate email ends in our mother tongues (why the fuck I like so much to receive someting in this weird Polish language!?!?). She really made me believe that it was important for her that I decide to stay in Europe (you have no clue how "strongly" she showed this to me...).
We made some stupid and unreal plans, like a trip to Amsterdam or to see a Pearl Jam concert in Gdynia (Poland). And I fuck believed in them (how ridiculous I can continue to be?). I went to visit her in Barcelona and we stayed together again, but not as before... she changed again... She is still seeing Radek, and she thinks I should act normally about that. Is she mental? How could I? This made me suffer a lot and I only asked her to do not let me stay in the middle of such unfinished relationship. Sounded like she agreed and also does not want to have such abnormal relation, but or she lied or she changed her mind again during the week.
I was so sad because she did not appear on my seminar there...why did she say that she want to go? And then she just filled my life with darkness again because at the very last minute she decided to do not come to Grenoble (a trip planned before my vacation in Brazil... part of the actions to make me believe she wants me here in Europe). I was kind of feeling that she could do that. after I told her about why I do not have pictures from my friends during my european trip (she ripped this off me...why everything happens at once in my life?!). But I asked, indirectly (inviting her for a Jazz concert, and to make beer), if she would come. She decided, propably after an evening with him, that she would not. Around 2AM she switched on the gtalk, asked a bullshit about my quote, went offline and sent an email saying this. The reason, because she was not going to stop having a "special friendship" with Radek until something "startling" happens in her life. She has no clue how this two expressions hurt my heart... I thought I was someone startling for her... so stupid again...
And there is more... I cannot stay in Europe... I need to get rid of Maresia... but I cannot write anymore today... I am crying and I just received on email from her: "Would you talk to me or you prefer not to...? :/" I could only say (but I am not going to...): "
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