Day 1 - 12/12/2009

I am feeling very bad. Very sad. But I am not crying. I do not know the meaning of that. It is like I watched a movie with a sad end. Only one movie made me cry "Eternal Sunshine". And it seems that my own movie cannot. I really hope that this is the starting of the refreezing process of my heart. I do not want to go through this path for a long time. From complete happiness to a total sadness in around 2 months. What really happened? Was it love somehow? What did I do to make the "magic" goes away so fast? Now I hate that this trip to Brazil is still holding us together somehow... Make me angry for being so stupid... Give me an evil hope that she really needs this time for herself but still likes me. What is the REAL meaning of all that? I am so LOST. And now I am feeling enviness... I envy people that have someone in their life. And people that have one person to share the life and are still somehow successful, professionally. Now I do not ask for both... I just wanted to have one of them...Preferentially... The first one... And that this first one was Emilia. Now I drop one tear.

I want SO much to stop seeing her beautiful naked body every time that I close my eyes to try to sleep...