Day 9- 20/12/2009

It is not snowing anymore... but it is -11C outside! When I said that everything is happening at the same time, I had no idea that even the nature will contribute to my sadness and isolation.

I went out last night with David and Euripedes. We have got drunk and they planned to go for ski today. I am not going... work... house cleaning....decisions to make...in general depression. And I feel so bad because I lied and I said that I was still with Emilia...That we still are going together to Brazil...It was a loser's lie. I still have the tickets, but I cannot see this happening... Damn, I hate that this. The happiness avoided me to be the quiet and silent guy of always. And now the lies started...I had promised do not lie anymore...

I had a very weird dream. I meet another girl. Good-looking, not as good as Emilia, but beautiful. She approached me and we started to talk about several things, which I do not remember the content. I only remember the feeling of peace, of easy talking without pressure or tension. Very pleasant feeling... She kissed me. It was nice, almost real and it was like Emilia did not exist. But then I noticed something on her neck... like a scar but thick. She became embarrassed and described that she was about to try to remove, but she was scared by the operation and gave up. I remember Emilia at the same second, I realized it was a dream and woke up at the same second.

I wish she write me something regretting the way she has been treating me. Or at least telling me the truth about what happened. I am still lost... I still love her... I still hope for one kind of a miracle that could make my life happy again.

MIDDAY: She wrote me... Not the miracle I was expecting, but gave me hope. I am not sure if this is good or bad for my metal health... She tried to explain...somehow... king of vague way... I will reflect about the content and write about it tomorrow.

But what disturbingly kept the hope was:
Tęsknię za Tobą i myślę o Tobie CIĄGLE :( (Something like, I miss you and think about you CONTINUOUSLY :( ) Damn, I love her and I just wanted to have her RIGHT now...