Day 108 - 29/03/2010

To Emilia... about today and the pictures...

I do not want to hurt you (actually I cannot... I am just not able to), I only wanted to stop feeling like crap. I let everybody see those pictures (and how I feel about them) because I wanted "they" to know that I really like you (since nobody bothered to ask me and only judged me as the asshole that destroyed the nice relationship of the nice Radek). Because now, it is how it looks like, that I PLAYED with you, just for fun, and the poor Radek was/is hurt and I am laughing. NOT FAIR. I am very hurt because at the end I do not have you.

But I should not care about this... about what people from here think, and about you that way... It was just another extremely stupid move...

Honestly, I have no clue how to deal with you and with all that happened, in my currently poor state of mind. I do not know if I should try to understand you, hate you or just hate myself because I did the same mistake with you that I did before (I showed the most 'terrible" feeling of humans... I even cannot say the name anymore... starts with a "L"...).

So, I must avoid you and the thoughts about you (and about this very shitty outcome for me) more efficiently. And you should avoid any contact with me. And I mean, no small favors, no questions about Madrid, and no explicit support to my Brazilian Brewery. Do not get me wrong, I like your support, I like that you are a fan of it.. it means a lot for me... TOO MUCH. So, it is not good for me, because it keeps a very harmful hope in my heart that some how you still like me...

I removed everything... Have a nice time with your family.
Rodrigo