Several subjects, for maybe one last post...
Very weird dream last night… I was getting married with Andreia (my first girlfriend). But at the end I did the same as when we broke up. I gave some stupid explanations and runaway to the roof of my house on the beach. (Pretty cool part, actually. Because I was running and jumping from roof to roof like a cat). The sad part was hear my mother crying and saying that she will never see a grandchild from me because she is getting old. Why the fuck does this sound like a pressure for me?
I am staying at Steffie’s place till Saturday. After some nice (but weird and probably too selfish) days in London I will be here in Grenoble for 3 days. I hate this city now. I hate French people. I hate French language and I hate French food. Well now I pretty much hate everything, directly related or not to France (hmm… Anger again… should it really be a cycle?).
Leandro wants to talk to me before my departure. I am not so anger with him (disappointed because of the lack of support, for sure) any more. I am feeling more ashamed. Not only because I felt in love for Emilia and behave like a crazy teenager, but also because I was kicked out from EMBL. This is very paradoxal because I would hate to stay for another year working for that asshole, but I do not like the way it looks like for everyone else. I feel inferior (but I am not… how to rip off this stupid feeling?).
I received two requests from Emilia to hide this blog from her. I did not know that she really reads… maybe I suspected and kind of wished, but not consciously. Anyway, such request provoke a disturbing “déjà vu” feeling. I do not know if I should answer something… I am afraid of starting a conversation right now… 3 days before my departure. It is still not time to casual contact...
So, I think I will not answer (but I am not ignoring YOU). But because of that “déjà vu” I will stop writing about her. I am doing the SAME AGAIN, even in my fucking grief. I was shocked when I realized that. I am stopping to write about Emilia right now. Every thought is going to be forgotten, does not need to be “shared” or kept in a digital version forever… I know the plausible end (maybe I can write about this) of this and I will not like if it repeats.
I like YOU. I will not write unpleasant stuff (for YOU) here any more…
quinta-feira, 8 de abril de 2010
Day 117 - 07/04/2010
I think have been through all the phases of grief with what happened between Emlia and me. Lets see if I am right…
Denial: For sure. Not only this time but the second time I really struggled trying to believe in something out of her control as the source of our separation. Imposition from her parents, a “suicidal” ex,… I do not know exactly, only that she HAD to make me suffer, not on purpose... ha ha ha, how unreal... ;
Anger: I was very angry several times already. She lied to me and it was a LOT. She was very mean with me. After she decided to do not go to Brazil and after she decided to do not come here in Grenoble. I was FURIOUS! But for a so short period… ;
Bargain: I tried to stay with her even without any commitment. I love her and I wanted something more real, but I said I could just see her, talk, chat, occasionally. Ridiculous… the feelings for her started to grow because I thought we were totally reciprocal. Just to think about accepting this kind of contact was stupid;
Depression: Well, I cried to dry out… Very fucking much. I avoided human contact at a very extreme point; I stayed at home without going out for 4 days in a row. Then a bought some food and alcohol, and stayed there for 4 more days…
Acceptance: Hmm… what exactly this word means?!?! Maybe I am stuck on the depression phase... I am still sad and sometimes I cry because something reminds me her... but I am not so sure if it is or is not disturbing my life and the things I should do. It is true I am procrastinating everything, but I really do not have anything important to do right now.
BTW….
What the fuck were those “bicie piany” pictures? I definitively am not the crazy one… How could I imagine she would send me that kind of pictures if she did not want something with me? Polish girls, or European girls in general, are really that liberal and just enjoy showing off their (incredible beautiful, in this specific case) bodies? Even to a complete "unimportant" and disposable person?
The situation is still very tricky, because I still do not get it. And more I try to convince myself to just let go, more I keep on thinking in such nasty and painful details that do not make sense.
I wish so much to replace this love… I do not want to die inside again, to rise on the future as this crazy emotional human bomb. I want to love someone else and use those hard lessons until they are painfully fresh in my mind.
BTW…
I am thinking about Emilia in very inappropriate situations… VERY MUCH! And I mean, thinking very much and in very much inappropriate situations. DAMN IT!!!!!!
Just to clarify the reason of a long and delayed post, I had a lot of time yesterday… I missed my fucking flight back to Grenoble (from London) and I stayed (very sick of a food poisoning) for 24hours at Gatwick airport (nice airport, by the way).
Denial: For sure. Not only this time but the second time I really struggled trying to believe in something out of her control as the source of our separation. Imposition from her parents, a “suicidal” ex,… I do not know exactly, only that she HAD to make me suffer, not on purpose... ha ha ha, how unreal... ;
Anger: I was very angry several times already. She lied to me and it was a LOT. She was very mean with me. After she decided to do not go to Brazil and after she decided to do not come here in Grenoble. I was FURIOUS! But for a so short period… ;
Bargain: I tried to stay with her even without any commitment. I love her and I wanted something more real, but I said I could just see her, talk, chat, occasionally. Ridiculous… the feelings for her started to grow because I thought we were totally reciprocal. Just to think about accepting this kind of contact was stupid;
Depression: Well, I cried to dry out… Very fucking much. I avoided human contact at a very extreme point; I stayed at home without going out for 4 days in a row. Then a bought some food and alcohol, and stayed there for 4 more days…
Acceptance: Hmm… what exactly this word means?!?! Maybe I am stuck on the depression phase... I am still sad and sometimes I cry because something reminds me her... but I am not so sure if it is or is not disturbing my life and the things I should do. It is true I am procrastinating everything, but I really do not have anything important to do right now.
BTW….
What the fuck were those “bicie piany” pictures? I definitively am not the crazy one… How could I imagine she would send me that kind of pictures if she did not want something with me? Polish girls, or European girls in general, are really that liberal and just enjoy showing off their (incredible beautiful, in this specific case) bodies? Even to a complete "unimportant" and disposable person?
The situation is still very tricky, because I still do not get it. And more I try to convince myself to just let go, more I keep on thinking in such nasty and painful details that do not make sense.
I wish so much to replace this love… I do not want to die inside again, to rise on the future as this crazy emotional human bomb. I want to love someone else and use those hard lessons until they are painfully fresh in my mind.
BTW…
I am thinking about Emilia in very inappropriate situations… VERY MUCH! And I mean, thinking very much and in very much inappropriate situations. DAMN IT!!!!!!
Just to clarify the reason of a long and delayed post, I had a lot of time yesterday… I missed my fucking flight back to Grenoble (from London) and I stayed (very sick of a food poisoning) for 24hours at Gatwick airport (nice airport, by the way).
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