Several subjects, for maybe one last post...
Very weird dream last night… I was getting married with Andreia (my first girlfriend). But at the end I did the same as when we broke up. I gave some stupid explanations and runaway to the roof of my house on the beach. (Pretty cool part, actually. Because I was running and jumping from roof to roof like a cat). The sad part was hear my mother crying and saying that she will never see a grandchild from me because she is getting old. Why the fuck does this sound like a pressure for me?
I am staying at Steffie’s place till Saturday. After some nice (but weird and probably too selfish) days in London I will be here in Grenoble for 3 days. I hate this city now. I hate French people. I hate French language and I hate French food. Well now I pretty much hate everything, directly related or not to France (hmm… Anger again… should it really be a cycle?).
Leandro wants to talk to me before my departure. I am not so anger with him (disappointed because of the lack of support, for sure) any more. I am feeling more ashamed. Not only because I felt in love for Emilia and behave like a crazy teenager, but also because I was kicked out from EMBL. This is very paradoxal because I would hate to stay for another year working for that asshole, but I do not like the way it looks like for everyone else. I feel inferior (but I am not… how to rip off this stupid feeling?).
I received two requests from Emilia to hide this blog from her. I did not know that she really reads… maybe I suspected and kind of wished, but not consciously. Anyway, such request provoke a disturbing “déjà vu” feeling. I do not know if I should answer something… I am afraid of starting a conversation right now… 3 days before my departure. It is still not time to casual contact...
So, I think I will not answer (but I am not ignoring YOU). But because of that “déjà vu” I will stop writing about her. I am doing the SAME AGAIN, even in my fucking grief. I was shocked when I realized that. I am stopping to write about Emilia right now. Every thought is going to be forgotten, does not need to be “shared” or kept in a digital version forever… I know the plausible end (maybe I can write about this) of this and I will not like if it repeats.
I like YOU. I will not write unpleasant stuff (for YOU) here any more…
quinta-feira, 8 de abril de 2010
Day 117 - 07/04/2010
I think have been through all the phases of grief with what happened between Emlia and me. Lets see if I am right…
Denial: For sure. Not only this time but the second time I really struggled trying to believe in something out of her control as the source of our separation. Imposition from her parents, a “suicidal” ex,… I do not know exactly, only that she HAD to make me suffer, not on purpose... ha ha ha, how unreal... ;
Anger: I was very angry several times already. She lied to me and it was a LOT. She was very mean with me. After she decided to do not go to Brazil and after she decided to do not come here in Grenoble. I was FURIOUS! But for a so short period… ;
Bargain: I tried to stay with her even without any commitment. I love her and I wanted something more real, but I said I could just see her, talk, chat, occasionally. Ridiculous… the feelings for her started to grow because I thought we were totally reciprocal. Just to think about accepting this kind of contact was stupid;
Depression: Well, I cried to dry out… Very fucking much. I avoided human contact at a very extreme point; I stayed at home without going out for 4 days in a row. Then a bought some food and alcohol, and stayed there for 4 more days…
Acceptance: Hmm… what exactly this word means?!?! Maybe I am stuck on the depression phase... I am still sad and sometimes I cry because something reminds me her... but I am not so sure if it is or is not disturbing my life and the things I should do. It is true I am procrastinating everything, but I really do not have anything important to do right now.
BTW….
What the fuck were those “bicie piany” pictures? I definitively am not the crazy one… How could I imagine she would send me that kind of pictures if she did not want something with me? Polish girls, or European girls in general, are really that liberal and just enjoy showing off their (incredible beautiful, in this specific case) bodies? Even to a complete "unimportant" and disposable person?
The situation is still very tricky, because I still do not get it. And more I try to convince myself to just let go, more I keep on thinking in such nasty and painful details that do not make sense.
I wish so much to replace this love… I do not want to die inside again, to rise on the future as this crazy emotional human bomb. I want to love someone else and use those hard lessons until they are painfully fresh in my mind.
BTW…
I am thinking about Emilia in very inappropriate situations… VERY MUCH! And I mean, thinking very much and in very much inappropriate situations. DAMN IT!!!!!!
Just to clarify the reason of a long and delayed post, I had a lot of time yesterday… I missed my fucking flight back to Grenoble (from London) and I stayed (very sick of a food poisoning) for 24hours at Gatwick airport (nice airport, by the way).
Denial: For sure. Not only this time but the second time I really struggled trying to believe in something out of her control as the source of our separation. Imposition from her parents, a “suicidal” ex,… I do not know exactly, only that she HAD to make me suffer, not on purpose... ha ha ha, how unreal... ;
Anger: I was very angry several times already. She lied to me and it was a LOT. She was very mean with me. After she decided to do not go to Brazil and after she decided to do not come here in Grenoble. I was FURIOUS! But for a so short period… ;
Bargain: I tried to stay with her even without any commitment. I love her and I wanted something more real, but I said I could just see her, talk, chat, occasionally. Ridiculous… the feelings for her started to grow because I thought we were totally reciprocal. Just to think about accepting this kind of contact was stupid;
Depression: Well, I cried to dry out… Very fucking much. I avoided human contact at a very extreme point; I stayed at home without going out for 4 days in a row. Then a bought some food and alcohol, and stayed there for 4 more days…
Acceptance: Hmm… what exactly this word means?!?! Maybe I am stuck on the depression phase... I am still sad and sometimes I cry because something reminds me her... but I am not so sure if it is or is not disturbing my life and the things I should do. It is true I am procrastinating everything, but I really do not have anything important to do right now.
BTW….
What the fuck were those “bicie piany” pictures? I definitively am not the crazy one… How could I imagine she would send me that kind of pictures if she did not want something with me? Polish girls, or European girls in general, are really that liberal and just enjoy showing off their (incredible beautiful, in this specific case) bodies? Even to a complete "unimportant" and disposable person?
The situation is still very tricky, because I still do not get it. And more I try to convince myself to just let go, more I keep on thinking in such nasty and painful details that do not make sense.
I wish so much to replace this love… I do not want to die inside again, to rise on the future as this crazy emotional human bomb. I want to love someone else and use those hard lessons until they are painfully fresh in my mind.
BTW…
I am thinking about Emilia in very inappropriate situations… VERY MUCH! And I mean, thinking very much and in very much inappropriate situations. DAMN IT!!!!!!
Just to clarify the reason of a long and delayed post, I had a lot of time yesterday… I missed my fucking flight back to Grenoble (from London) and I stayed (very sick of a food poisoning) for 24hours at Gatwick airport (nice airport, by the way).
segunda-feira, 29 de março de 2010
Day 108 - 29/03/2010
To Emilia... about today and the pictures...
I do not want to hurt you (actually I cannot... I am just not able to), I only wanted to stop feeling like crap. I let everybody see those pictures (and how I feel about them) because I wanted "they" to know that I really like you (since nobody bothered to ask me and only judged me as the asshole that destroyed the nice relationship of the nice Radek). Because now, it is how it looks like, that I PLAYED with you, just for fun, and the poor Radek was/is hurt and I am laughing. NOT FAIR. I am very hurt because at the end I do not have you.
But I should not care about this... about what people from here think, and about you that way... It was just another extremely stupid move...
Honestly, I have no clue how to deal with you and with all that happened, in my currently poor state of mind. I do not know if I should try to understand you, hate you or just hate myself because I did the same mistake with you that I did before (I showed the most 'terrible" feeling of humans... I even cannot say the name anymore... starts with a "L"...).
So, I must avoid you and the thoughts about you (and about this very shitty outcome for me) more efficiently. And you should avoid any contact with me. And I mean, no small favors, no questions about Madrid, and no explicit support to my Brazilian Brewery. Do not get me wrong, I like your support, I like that you are a fan of it.. it means a lot for me... TOO MUCH. So, it is not good for me, because it keeps a very harmful hope in my heart that some how you still like me...
I removed everything... Have a nice time with your family.
Rodrigo
I do not want to hurt you (actually I cannot... I am just not able to), I only wanted to stop feeling like crap. I let everybody see those pictures (and how I feel about them) because I wanted "they" to know that I really like you (since nobody bothered to ask me and only judged me as the asshole that destroyed the nice relationship of the nice Radek). Because now, it is how it looks like, that I PLAYED with you, just for fun, and the poor Radek was/is hurt and I am laughing. NOT FAIR. I am very hurt because at the end I do not have you.
But I should not care about this... about what people from here think, and about you that way... It was just another extremely stupid move...
Honestly, I have no clue how to deal with you and with all that happened, in my currently poor state of mind. I do not know if I should try to understand you, hate you or just hate myself because I did the same mistake with you that I did before (I showed the most 'terrible" feeling of humans... I even cannot say the name anymore... starts with a "L"...).
So, I must avoid you and the thoughts about you (and about this very shitty outcome for me) more efficiently. And you should avoid any contact with me. And I mean, no small favors, no questions about Madrid, and no explicit support to my Brazilian Brewery. Do not get me wrong, I like your support, I like that you are a fan of it.. it means a lot for me... TOO MUCH. So, it is not good for me, because it keeps a very harmful hope in my heart that some how you still like me...
I removed everything... Have a nice time with your family.
Rodrigo
sábado, 27 de março de 2010
Day 106 - 27/03/2010
I have just given Maresia away... to that lady from the Emerens` old building.... I am so sad... my heart is hurting so much... it is very difficult to stand. I hate myself! I am avoiding human contact for so long and I just let my little friend, who was there for me all the time, down. Who has been so cruel putting me in so many hard situations!?
I cannot stop crying. I tried to find one person to talk about this... but could not my mother... my sister... and even Emilia... nobody was there... Steffie also dido not answer the phone. I feel so terrible... I feel like I am a monster. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A MONSTER WITH MY LITTLE CAT!!?? This is extremely painful...
I cannot stop crying. I tried to find one person to talk about this... but could not my mother... my sister... and even Emilia... nobody was there... Steffie also dido not answer the phone. I feel so terrible... I feel like I am a monster. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A MONSTER WITH MY LITTLE CAT!!?? This is extremely painful...
sexta-feira, 26 de março de 2010
Day 105 - 26/03/2010
I found a place for Maresia... and again I am relieved but EXTREMELY sad... :( It seems that all my decisions last 12 months were really shitty moves. I will be completely alone tomorrow...
I had a dream about Emilia... again. We were in Brazil... making beer... :( This is so stupid! I just wanted to share this with her... WHY?? I really need to stop thinking about her... right now is harder because I am procrastinating everything and free time is what I have the most. Hang on Rodrigo...
Again my life could be funny for someone outside. Two new problems (partially solved):
1- Elisa wants to move on 6th April to here... She did not pay attention in what I said, so her family is coming... But I will stay with Steffie till 10th. She is really great. I SO envy Louis... she is very special...;
2-More 300 euros were spent using my french card! And I had to go to the police station to state what happened (dépôt de plainte). Fucking hard, but my french is better than I thought... Strange, police station in French is "Hotel de Police"... or there is something that I missed?
I had a dream about Emilia... again. We were in Brazil... making beer... :( This is so stupid! I just wanted to share this with her... WHY?? I really need to stop thinking about her... right now is harder because I am procrastinating everything and free time is what I have the most. Hang on Rodrigo...
Again my life could be funny for someone outside. Two new problems (partially solved):
1- Elisa wants to move on 6th April to here... She did not pay attention in what I said, so her family is coming... But I will stay with Steffie till 10th. She is really great. I SO envy Louis... she is very special...;
2-More 300 euros were spent using my french card! And I had to go to the police station to state what happened (dépôt de plainte). Fucking hard, but my french is better than I thought... Strange, police station in French is "Hotel de Police"... or there is something that I missed?
quinta-feira, 25 de março de 2010
Day 104 - 25/03/2010
It was a hard year... NO, A FUCKING HARD YEAR!!! (I mean from March to March, my first year in Europe)
INDEED... However, what did I learn from all that? Here it goes the TOP 12:
1-Brazilians (particularly, ME) cannot stand REAL winters (good company and the right "chemical additive" can help, but still...);
2-Ice and snow are definitively the "states of water" that I HATE the most (I like liquid, liquid, liquid, not falling from the sky and SALTY!);
3-Jack and Meg White ("siblings") were FUCKING married (ok, stupid one, but "changed" my life);
4-French language is not so gay as everybody think it is (however, I probably should work on a more "gayish" pronunciation to be more understandable in France);
5-Women are EVIL (oh yes, they SO are! but I am going to keep looking for my ANGEL);
6-Belgian Beer is cheaper in France than in Belgium (at least in Bruxelles);
7-Home made sushi is the best (and I know how to prepare);
8-"Titre de Séjour Spécial" (SO COOL diplomatic VISA) is useless to work in other European countries;
9-There is a significant amount (quite high) of true in ALL Brazilian jokes about Portuguese people (or maybe THEY are playing a machiavellic joke with me about my citizenship...??... no, it would be too clever);
10-There are a lot of assholes (I met a BIG one) in this world that really enjoy to make people miserable and their lives harder. "Those bastards will all suffer from their own bitterness and lack of life purpose outside the work place" (yep, that was me cursing them... or him, specifically);
11-It sounds weird, but too much LOVE can be harmful (It makes you blind, dependent and helpless. It will hurt you and almost certainly it will push the loved one away from you);
12-Although I reached the rock bottom, I know I can TAKE A LOT and still, my heart will keep on beating afterwards!
Time to reset!!!
Btw, why did she have to become a fan of my Brewery on Facebook!?!?!? It fucking hurts... I brought beer from Brazil ONLY to show to her... :(
RESET RODRIGO, R.E.S.E.T. !!!!
INDEED... However, what did I learn from all that? Here it goes the TOP 12:
1-Brazilians (particularly, ME) cannot stand REAL winters (good company and the right "chemical additive" can help, but still...);
2-Ice and snow are definitively the "states of water" that I HATE the most (I like liquid, liquid, liquid, not falling from the sky and SALTY!);
3-Jack and Meg White ("siblings") were FUCKING married (ok, stupid one, but "changed" my life);
4-French language is not so gay as everybody think it is (however, I probably should work on a more "gayish" pronunciation to be more understandable in France);
5-Women are EVIL (oh yes, they SO are! but I am going to keep looking for my ANGEL);
6-Belgian Beer is cheaper in France than in Belgium (at least in Bruxelles);
7-Home made sushi is the best (and I know how to prepare);
8-"Titre de Séjour Spécial" (SO COOL diplomatic VISA) is useless to work in other European countries;
9-There is a significant amount (quite high) of true in ALL Brazilian jokes about Portuguese people (or maybe THEY are playing a machiavellic joke with me about my citizenship...??... no, it would be too clever);
10-There are a lot of assholes (I met a BIG one) in this world that really enjoy to make people miserable and their lives harder. "Those bastards will all suffer from their own bitterness and lack of life purpose outside the work place" (yep, that was me cursing them... or him, specifically);
11-It sounds weird, but too much LOVE can be harmful (It makes you blind, dependent and helpless. It will hurt you and almost certainly it will push the loved one away from you);
12-Although I reached the rock bottom, I know I can TAKE A LOT and still, my heart will keep on beating afterwards!
Time to reset!!!
Btw, why did she have to become a fan of my Brewery on Facebook!?!?!? It fucking hurts... I brought beer from Brazil ONLY to show to her... :(
RESET RODRIGO, R.E.S.E.T. !!!!
segunda-feira, 22 de março de 2010
Day 101 - 22/03/2010
I was looking for the contact to that old lady that lives in the same building of Emerens' old apartment (I think I will ask if she wants to keep Maresia)... And I found many things related to Emilia... (red panties, tickets to Poland, silly notes...) I cried instantly. I am so sad... Damn!! I miss her so much :( Why the fuck she does not want me anymore? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I need so much to overcome all this... I just do not know how... And know with my complete isolation, it will be even harder. I am crazy and sick. I need help, but I can not ask for it...
I need so much to overcome all this... I just do not know how... And know with my complete isolation, it will be even harder. I am crazy and sick. I need help, but I can not ask for it...
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