Day 108 - 29/03/2010

To Emilia... about today and the pictures...

I do not want to hurt you (actually I cannot... I am just not able to), I only wanted to stop feeling like crap. I let everybody see those pictures (and how I feel about them) because I wanted "they" to know that I really like you (since nobody bothered to ask me and only judged me as the asshole that destroyed the nice relationship of the nice Radek). Because now, it is how it looks like, that I PLAYED with you, just for fun, and the poor Radek was/is hurt and I am laughing. NOT FAIR. I am very hurt because at the end I do not have you.

But I should not care about this... about what people from here think, and about you that way... It was just another extremely stupid move...

Honestly, I have no clue how to deal with you and with all that happened, in my currently poor state of mind. I do not know if I should try to understand you, hate you or just hate myself because I did the same mistake with you that I did before (I showed the most 'terrible" feeling of humans... I even cannot say the name anymore... starts with a "L"...).

So, I must avoid you and the thoughts about you (and about this very shitty outcome for me) more efficiently. And you should avoid any contact with me. And I mean, no small favors, no questions about Madrid, and no explicit support to my Brazilian Brewery. Do not get me wrong, I like your support, I like that you are a fan of it.. it means a lot for me... TOO MUCH. So, it is not good for me, because it keeps a very harmful hope in my heart that some how you still like me...

I removed everything... Have a nice time with your family.
Rodrigo

Day 106 - 27/03/2010

I have just given Maresia away... to that lady from the Emerens` old building.... I am so sad... my heart is hurting so much... it is very difficult to stand. I hate myself! I am avoiding human contact for so long and I just let my little friend, who was there for me all the time, down. Who has been so cruel putting me in so many hard situations!?

I cannot stop crying. I tried to find one person to talk about this... but could not my mother... my sister... and even Emilia... nobody was there... Steffie also dido not answer the phone. I feel so terrible... I feel like I am a monster. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A MONSTER WITH MY LITTLE CAT!!?? This is extremely painful...

Day 105 - 26/03/2010

I found a place for Maresia... and again I am relieved but EXTREMELY sad... :( It seems that all my decisions last 12 months were really shitty moves. I will be completely alone tomorrow...

I had a dream about Emilia... again. We were in Brazil... making beer... :( This is so stupid! I just wanted to share this with her... WHY?? I really need to stop thinking about her... right now is harder because I am procrastinating everything and free time is what I have the most. Hang on Rodrigo...

Again my life could be funny for someone outside. Two new problems (partially solved):
1- Elisa wants to move on 6th April to here... She did not pay attention in what I said, so her family is coming... But I will stay with Steffie till 10th. She is really great. I SO envy Louis... she is very special...;
2-More 300 euros were spent using my french card! And I had to go to the police station to state what happened (dépôt de plainte). Fucking hard, but my french is better than I thought... Strange, police station in French is "Hotel de Police"... or there is something that I missed?

Day 104 - 25/03/2010

It was a hard year... NO, A FUCKING HARD YEAR!!! (I mean from March to March, my first year in Europe)

INDEED... However, what did I learn from all that? Here it goes the TOP 12:

1-Brazilians (particularly, ME) cannot stand REAL winters (good company and the right "chemical additive" can help, but still...);

2-Ice and snow are definitively the "states of water" that I HATE the most (I like liquid, liquid, liquid, not falling from the sky and SALTY!);

3-Jack and Meg White ("siblings") were FUCKING married (ok, stupid one, but "changed" my life);

4-French language is not so gay as everybody think it is (however, I probably should work on a more "gayish" pronunciation to be more understandable in France);

5-Women are EVIL (oh yes, they SO are! but I am going to keep looking for my ANGEL);

6-Belgian Beer is cheaper in France than in Belgium (at least in Bruxelles);

7-Home made sushi is the best (and I know how to prepare);

8-"Titre de Séjour Spécial" (SO COOL diplomatic VISA) is useless to work in other European countries;

9-There is a significant amount (quite high) of true in ALL Brazilian jokes about Portuguese people (or maybe THEY are playing a machiavellic joke with me about my citizenship...??... no, it would be too clever);

10-There are a lot of assholes (I met a BIG one) in this world that really enjoy to make people miserable and their lives harder. "Those bastards will all suffer from their own bitterness and lack of life purpose outside the work place" (yep, that was me cursing them... or him, specifically);

11-It sounds weird, but too much LOVE can be harmful (It makes you blind, dependent and helpless. It will hurt you and almost certainly it will push the loved one away from you);

12-Although I reached the rock bottom, I know I can TAKE A LOT and still, my heart will keep on beating afterwards!

Time to reset!!!

Btw, why did she have to become a fan of my Brewery on Facebook!?!?!? It fucking hurts... I brought beer from Brazil ONLY to show to her... :(

RESET RODRIGO, R.E.S.E.T. !!!!

Day 101 - 22/03/2010

I was looking for the contact to that old lady that lives in the same building of Emerens' old apartment (I think I will ask if she wants to keep Maresia)... And I found many things related to Emilia... (red panties, tickets to Poland, silly notes...) I cried instantly. I am so sad... Damn!! I miss her so much :( Why the fuck she does not want me anymore? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I need so much to overcome all this... I just do not know how... And know with my complete isolation, it will be even harder. I am crazy and sick. I need help, but I can not ask for it...

Day 100 - 21/03/2010

I am feeling so lonely... but I do not want to see or meet anybody. I just want to (re)start again... fast! I am dying here. I hate this place and everything that happened this year.

I am so angry... but I do not want to hurt her... neither that she hates me.

I am so bored... but I do not want to do anything. I am just waiting...

I have to forget... I have to stop trying to understand ortherwise I am REALLY going crazy.

"I must be fine cause my heart's still beating" Is it?

Day 98 - 19/03/2010

Last day... I am going to clean up my bench... but before I will finish the fucking libraries. Lets see if I was successful.

I am feeling like a loser today. I am not so sure why, but I want to hide... I do not want to talk. I am severely "ashamed". But I cannot precise of what...I think this will only stop when I start my new job.

Ok, several emotions regarding these fucking libraries. First, I thought it did not work. Then I decide to look more carefully and finish the protocol (that is why I am still here at EMBL, during my last day, till 24h). Now I have a good feeling about them. I could see on the gel. Not so strong, but not so faint smear (I was expecting a smear). Now I am just going to send all the infos to Ramesh and it is his problem to decide if worth to send. I am... relieved... I am not so shitty... Uffiiii....

And, by the way WHAT THE FUCK MEANS "kawa, kawka, kawusia 8( "? (Something like "Cafe, cafezinho, cafezito" ? There is another non-literal meaning? Why is there a sad face at the end? Who knows?)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Why do I still fucking care about Emilia!

Day 97 - 18/03/2010

Yesterday I started my last experiment at EMBL (no, I still I have no clue why I am doing that or why I care). I was not writing on my lab book for quite a long time. So, I wrote. And I reached a page where Emilia drew a smiley face and a heart... :( :( :( Page 123. I stayed for some time staring this fucking page. She had told me before about that... but I had forgotten... I could not stop imagining her drawing such a silly surprise for me. I could see her beautiful smile, a "saudade" related smile... because I am sure she was missing me a lot at that time, but feeling very happy at the same time, due such nice memory and plans to see each other in the near future. And the unanswerable question has risen again: "What did it happen to her and that growing feelings?". Definitively she fomented my crazy love, "loving" back at the beginning. She not only triggered, but also helped in the (out of control) growing process.

Something happened that day/night when she disappeared... from that day she was never the same again. Radek did something and they probably stayed together... while I was having the darkest nigh ever, which is not described here... yet... So fucking unfair... But now, I only have to forget all of this... (Should I start now that crappy talk about is she who is losing someone SO special like me?!).

I am so anxious... so many things to deal with... and I am so tired also...The job in Madrid. The visa. The Portuguese citizenship. The travel back to Brazil. Maresia ( :( :( How bad am I "getting rid of her?)... I am saying this for a long time, but I only want to sleep and wake up with everything ready to start, FRESH AND NEW.

AFTERNOON:
During the day I made a backup of my stuff here... Not much, it fit in one DVD (4,5Gb). And during this shitty process I found one terrible letter that I wrote to Emilia. I am going to publish below. It is about THAT fucking night...

And by the way she contacted me on gtalk... Do you think she is Evil or Dumb? She wants to play with my mind, or she did not realize how painful that could be? She asked how much I paid for the train from Barcelona to Madrid. She said she was not sure if she will or not go there. And she said she was looking for tickets for 22nd May. Maybe I will already be there... What the fuck? What is she planning? She is very dangerous... I think I am not going to connect to this chat for some time... My mood is too shaky. My feeling too close to the surface (once I buried them deeper, it will be fine, but...). To talk to my friends I can use Skype. Because if she ask, I will answer. And EVERYTHING she says, afects me, including her quotes... Damn it!

THE LETTER

Dear Emilia,

I really hope that I will never send this letter to you. I really hope that I am being paranoid again, and now for a different, but somehow related, reason. But my heart is really in an inexplicable and constant pain. Even after you said that my heart is safe with you as in a Swiss bank, I have the impression that the safety has just broken. I have a simple question for you, but I am going to make the longest way possible to ask it. This is just because writing just helps me stay calm. Yes, I am not calm at all since the day/evening that you just disappeared from noon till 10 AM of the following day. Less than one week ago you said that you were euphoric about our trip to Brazil in January. Two days before that day, you sent me a so nice message saying that you were just having a nice night, partying a lot but feeling incomplete because I was not there. And also that you were hating the distance between us that moment. And it was so reciprocal to what I feel every day, every time that I am doing something cool, something that I liked. But them you finally moved, and from one day to the other things became weird. We were talking or at least sending messages to each other every day since …since… I do not know exactly because was so natural. Both of us just needed to have any sort of contact with the other, right? For sure this was the main reason because I thought that your life was in dangerous due to the lack of contact and mobile answering. There was no other reason possible to imagine in the scenario where both of us were happy because you moved and then we will not need to avoid talking whenever we can or want. But in that day you just forgot me… You just forgot all of this and did not contact me, did not send me a message (similar to the one during the tapas dinner). I think it is so obvious to imagine that the guy who ALWAYS walked you home in Grenoble could be worried about you in a big and dangerous city, like Barcelona. Ok, you explained to me all the things that happened at the same time. One mobile left at CRG, and the other died. You went home too late to be online and just started the day at 10h. So far, so good. I just started to feel stupid because I did not sleep, I cried, I prayed and even considered to sell my soul to the devil (this two at the end really show how desperate I was) in exchange of your safety, because one huge chain of facts which resulted in you being totally unable to contact me. However, you are behaving differently now. You are just distant and totally reflective of my compliments, love words and longing/missing/saudades related stuff that were so natural and common between us. Because of this, I am in constant pain. I think something happened. I want to know exactly what. I am really only going to send this to you if it was really impossible to believe that you are just kind of pushing me a little back because you feel that I want to control each one of your moves. I just cannot believe that we both are not excited at the same level as 15 days ago when I visited you in Barcelona for the first time. This “whatever” feeling that you are passing to me is the worst thing I could receive from you after all the love I developed for you. Sometimes it seems like a punishment because I was so paranoid about security. But I do not know, I need to hear from you the answer to the following question: Something different happened in your life and changed everything again? What happened? (ok, 2 questions, and maybe not that simple to answer). You have to know that you do not owe me anything because of what already happened between us or because of what we already said to each other. It does not matter (it matters, but is less important than to have peace in my heart) if we planned to do several things together, like our trip to Brazil, if something changed I want to know at the same moment (I think this is quite obvious after what I said about the way you were planning to deal with Radek, but maybe it is not). Again, you do not owe me anything, any sort of time or extension to reduce the pain. The only thing you owe me, after being the holder, the caretaker of my recently thawed heart, is the truth. Nude and crude true, ALWAYS. I do not want to go to Barcelona to have a shitty weekend. I want to go, to take you to the nice places that I planned since I bought the tickets, to have another incredibly nice weekend with you. I have planned another silly romantic thing for you. But I have to be sure we are still on the same page.
Rodrigo

Day 96 - 17/03/2010

No more job! Why am I going to EMBL? Good fucking question. I am sure that asshole is not going to use my data for anything, So... what is the point? I do not know what to answer

Fucking Portuguese people! They asked me one more document... and it will take around one month to get in Brazil. I am closer to be Euopean, but not as close as it could be to make my life easier for a change.

I was thinking about a farewell party... I am really not in the mood to try to organize anything. I think I will go by "the French style", without saying goodbye. I really suck in social relations.

I am better in general. Do not expect or wait for anything from her is cleary a relieve (not a kind of). I can do my stuff again, whithout that paranoia. And speaking about that. I have to work on this trait of my personality. And also in this extreme actions that I take. I need a balance. I think I need Aikido... I will do Aikido in Madrid for sure.

I want to become more cool. I want to deal more easily with deceptions. It could be easier if I did not go to the edge of everything. If I was cool, I could have seen that it was clear that the time for me and her was just impossible. I really pushed hard. I forced, I wanted to keep her too fucking closer. More cool Rodrigo. Learn to stay calm and wait for the right moment. And learn to wait for people steps first. Never again, take the first "extreme" step again. Now I really need to be away, to avoid her. It takes long to be cool and just do not care. But I feel is possible. AI KI DO...

I had a dream about her... She was on the beach with me. She did not talk, Actually, I just stared her, like she was a statue or something. This is a little disturbuing, but I holded down my sadness. But just one commentary, "Damn, she is so fucking pretty!"

The future looks nice... kind of... I am still feeling a little sadness because of her and to move from here, and because of the feeling of reseting the life again. But this last setence is paraoxal, because the reseting is what makes me like the future. I think the darkest days are about to end... hopefully...

Day 95 - 16/03/2010

I have a job in Madrid. Sounds great, right? So, why do I feel so... so... emotionless?

The crazy German from there wrote me yesterday around 1 AM offering the job. I decided to do not follow the rules and go. Anyway it seems that I will stay in Brazil for 1-2 months. Maybe one could say that this was a kind of nice drawback. I can work for my brewery during these days. Not so bad... not so dark after all.

And today is my last official day working for EMBL... emotionless...

I think I wil be able to let her go... ( :( ) I had several dreams tonight about her. And my "dreamming me" could force the wake up all the time to avoid any good or bad thing that could happen there. It is still very sad. I still want answers, but I will never have something that makes sense. I will create my own explanation... She wanted me, maybe not as badly as I wanted her or even that I thought she wanted. I was not there all the time. She could not deal with relation by distance. She also could not deal with my crazy love and their consequences (passion is not a calm and peaceful feeling). The calmer, easier and colder option was more appropriate. She changed her mind... twice... and prefered the same she had before (only with the "mask" of being single now). So I am moving on with my love (still to be given to someone that can and want to take it). She stays with her decision... with him... hurting him. I will not allow her to hurt me anymore.

Sad, but not anxious anymore. Empty, but not paranoid by the chat. Disappointed, but not crying. Missing her, but not feeling Saudade... There is nothing good on the longing I feel and that I will feel for some time. Anyway I am relieved... kind of...

Day 93 - 14/03/2010 - Cansado demais... DE TUDO... What the FUCK?

Several days living under a fake "light of hope". They were not easy days anyway, but I was somehow hopeful about the future. My relation with Ramesh went to an unsurmontable level. I had to ask Stephen Cusack (Head of the Outstation) to get reference letters from him. Extremelly hard situation. I also had to fight to have my reimbursment for the French classes. Not easy at all. Now I am two days from the end of my contract... Yes, I will be officially unemployed. As we say in Brazil about researchers, after the PhD defense: "From hope for our future, to a social problem".

I went to several interviews and in general I was very succesful. I was very happy with my performance and they already offered me jobs in Munich and Basel. But I could not say yes...because I wanted to stay closer to her... I wanted a job in Barcelona. But only if she had said something nice, hopeful, to me during my visit there last week. I got the job there and I am still waiting for an answer for the most exciting one... CNIO in Madrid. But as I am going to describe from now... the darkness invaded my life again.

Since Emilia definitively said that she was not going anymore with me to Brazil because of some "reasonable" reasons, she started to keep an intense contact with me. My heart that was in the begining of the freezing process, thawed again... I am so stupid, I know. How the reason of all my sufferering could also be the solution? Again, this f... love blinded me. We talked everyday, and even with some passionate email ends in our mother tongues (why the fuck I like so much to receive someting in this weird Polish language!?!?). She really made me believe that it was important for her that I decide to stay in Europe (you have no clue how "strongly" she showed this to me...).

We made some stupid and unreal plans, like a trip to Amsterdam or to see a Pearl Jam concert in Gdynia (Poland). And I fuck believed in them (how ridiculous I can continue to be?). I went to visit her in Barcelona and we stayed together again, but not as before... she changed again... She is still seeing Radek, and she thinks I should act normally about that. Is she mental? How could I? This made me suffer a lot and I only asked her to do not let me stay in the middle of such unfinished relationship. Sounded like she agreed and also does not want to have such abnormal relation, but or she lied or she changed her mind again during the week.

I was so sad because she did not appear on my seminar there...why did she say that she want to go? And then she just filled my life with darkness again because at the very last minute she decided to do not come to Grenoble (a trip planned before my vacation in Brazil... part of the actions to make me believe she wants me here in Europe). I was kind of feeling that she could do that. after I told her about why I do not have pictures from my friends during my european trip (she ripped this off me...why everything happens at once in my life?!). But I asked, indirectly (inviting her for a Jazz concert, and to make beer), if she would come. She decided, propably after an evening with him, that she would not. Around 2AM she switched on the gtalk, asked a bullshit about my quote, went offline and sent an email saying this. The reason, because she was not going to stop having a "special friendship" with Radek until something "startling" happens in her life. She has no clue how this two expressions hurt my heart... I thought I was someone startling for her... so stupid again...

And there is more... I cannot stay in Europe... I need to get rid of Maresia... but I cannot write anymore today... I am crying and I just received on email from her: "Would you talk to me or you prefer not to...? :/" I could only say (but I am not going to...): " Why are you doing this?? Please, I cannot take it anymore... it is way to far of being fair... Just tell everything to him and stay with him... It is too much for me... just let me go... I do not deserve to be in the middle of this... please, I need to forget you... just stop to use my own feelings against me... "

Day 35 - 15/01/2010

I am still miserable, but things changed...
We had contact last week... It was nice to exchange emails with her again. But it was not good for me because I thought she would go with me to Brazil... But she is not going...

Day 25 - 05/01/2010

One day for my birthday... I could not be more sad about this... 32 is too much to be in the situation I am now...

I am going to try to call Emilia today. I hope she will answer. She cannot be that coward and she have to stand by her own decisions. I really need to hear from her that everything was a mistake... that should not have happened... that I have to forget about this trip to Brazil and about her forever... Actually I wanted to hear the opposite... but if I hear something from her it will be already good to start my climbing out of this deep role. If she at least could FINALLY say GO AWAY I would be able continue living (quite) normally.

It is very strange what I am feeling after "discovering" all her lies... It is like seeing myself, lost in that difficult situation with Roberta and Carina 5 year ago... I understand her actions. They made me suffer way too much, but I understand how things can get complicated VERY fast till the point of being out of control... I only hope she can just say something to me today...

Also, today Ramesh wants to discuss with me... I am quite sure he will finally say that I have no job for the next year. My mother and my sister keep saying that I should try to have good thoughts about it. But thinking in both situations, staying and going are almost "equally" a bad thought. The second would just be more comfortable... somehow... Lets see what happens today. It a big day, the last day of my "old" year... I am very scared...

Day 22- 02/01/2010

I stayed several days without writing anything... I am not sure why, because I had nothing to do, so I really could have written how I was feeling. Maybe total lack of will to do even this single task...

New Year Eve was the worst possible... Nothing is really going well for me. Strange French people... One girl with a boyfriend starring me all the time (this is like a curse)... I even could not say HAPPY NEW YEAR and hug someone. I was there with my glass of champagne alone, just sad to be there. Again, in a place where I did not belong...

Moreover I heard from Barbara Radek's version of this stuff with Emilia... She stayed with that stupid plan of just move without breaking the relation. And I thought she had understood how bad this could be for everyone involved. She came to Grenoble to visit Steffie...not me... She was lying for both of us... all the time... Apparently they are together now, because he sent one message greeting for the new year and signed with her name also... They knew I would be there... This was so cruel... Around 2AM I decided that I needed to cry... I just left the place (french way) and went home crying desperately... 2010 started even worst that 2009 ended..

I wrote to her yesterday... kind of angry, kind of sad, totally confused. Probably she will just ignore me... She is very good on that... Her heart is really cold, this is impressive. She just cannot imagine how bad she has been (maybe she can, and even enjoy that). I MUST ERASE HER FROM MY LIFE... She awoke the Rodrigo I wanted to be... Romantic, careful, happy, focus in bringing joy for the one next to me... But she is not the ONE... Definitively!

I want to understand why I cannot just be happy like so many people are... I want a girl to share my life. To treat like a princess. But also to hold me and say that everything is going to be fine when I lose the hope in my career. "because I am here for you, does not matter what happen. You have me". The problem is that all I need is love. But I am always so close to have, and something just happen and I am alone again...

I had one strange thought. I am going to write to Radek... Revenge? Angry with her and I want to avoid happiness between them? Maybe, I cannot say that is to help him to see how she really is, right? It will be a lie. But I will try make sound like this. I will start now.

Radek,
You have to decide right now if you want to know the content of this text. If you prefer to continue blind and just giving your love to Emilia without caring if she is only there to receive without loving back, just delete the email and live your life "happily" until the next "excitement" make her avoid you for sometime, again.

We never were really friends. I tried sometimes at the beginning but you were always kind of reflexive for that. It is ok, something in me you never liked. But I never meant to do something to hurt you. I did not decide to go after your girlfriend and steal her from you. Actually I am very shy and I just lack several seduction related skills. We (me and Emilia) approached to each other and just happened when you were already in Barcelona. She was feeling depressed, alone and she needed help with the visitors to your old apartment in Grenoble. It is obvious that I enjoyed her company. She is not only pretty, but smart and intelligent. One day we kissed and everything started... We were having something even before your farewell party here in Grenoble. I was away, in Munich, but receiving messages from her that the party was not the same without me. She decided to stay longer in Grenoble (to work, she probably said to you) just to see me and she lived in my place for one week before I departed for my vacations around Europe. I can say I was in love and she was corresponding such feeling very clearly. During all my vacations we talked, exchanged messages and emails every single day. Very passionate ones. And them, because my last visit for my holidays would be in Prague, she invited me to go to Poland to see her in Wroclaw. I went there and we spent 4 amazing days inside one apartment that I rent there. We only went out to visit a brewery in the center and to eat sweet sushi. During these days WE decided that we will start something together. She would end the relation with you, find her own place and I will visit her in Barcelona as much as I could. And she would do the same, visiting me in Grenoble. Since them we were talking every day, and seeing each other every two weeks. I went to Barcelona 3 times, one she was still living in the same place that you. I just rent a place and we stayed together there. At this point she told me that she will not really end the relation with you right away. Just move and wait till the distance just make the break up easy and smooth (the opposite she did to her previous boyfriend, right? She was really concerned about that). I did not agree and said that she should be HONEST, this would be the only way to make the pain as small as possible. The other times she was already living with her flatmates and I was sure she had listened me and really broke up with you, but still facing stressful problems because of the big apartment you had rent together (you sent me the "congratulations" email). And them she visited me in Grenoble for a longer weekend. I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she accepted. And she even said that she was already feeling as my girlfriend before. We had another amazing time together. We visited Steffie as a couple and went to EMBL restaurant together. I did not want to show off because everyone will think that I stole her from you, so I was trying to do not appear like a couple but several people started to ask if we were together. And I had to answer the truth. She had invited me to spend New Year Eve in Poland, but I only realized that I would have time (and money) to go after she left Grenoble. I called her and said that I could go and them she told me that everything was going really bad in her home because her mother had talked to you and you explained your version. She went crazy and because of my depression due to the lack of contract to work for EMBL next year, we decided (I regretted on the next day) to stay without talking to each other until... until the holidays we planned to have together in the end of January. I have tickets for me and for her to go to Brazil for 15 days.

On her last email, when I tried to say or we talk about our problems or we follow different pathways she explained to me that she want to stay with me, but she was feeling too guilty now because of the suffering she is causing to you. She said: "I feel I did something really bad to Radek, that I could not see how much I will hurt him and how much he is able to stand just to be with me. I dont want to be with him, something died in me quite long time ago and Im sure it is not comming back. But the problem is I cannot move on with you just like that, withouit thinking what I did to him lately..." And she ended the email writing: "Tęsknię za Tobą i myślę o Tobie CIĄGLE :("

I feel very stupid that I believed she was really sure that she wanted to stay with me. Maybe I was blind by love hormones, I do not know. But she was clearly living a double life, with me and with you (Barbara told me your version of the story...). So, indeed she is a very special girl. It is very easy to fall in love for her. She is not futile like the majority of the beautiful girls. But she clearly has problems in telling the truth. It seems that is much easier for her to just make up a "white" lie and at the end everything is going to be fine. She must learn how to deal with her choices without lying and hurting everyone surrounding her, including herself (I am sure she is really suffering now). I am very angry with her (and sad, depressed...) because she just played with my feelings. And she did the same with yours.
Rodrigo

This not for revenge... I only need explanation what is really going on. Am I going to hurt her? Is she going to hate me because of that? Why do I care? I do not think I am going to have the courage to send this... Chicken...

Day 18- 29/12/2009 - Tęsknię za Tobą i myślę o Tobie CIĄGLE...

Emilia,
I was reading (torturing myself) some old messages and emails. Do you remember the excitement you felt during the planing of my visit to Wroclaw? At least for me you sounded so excited, happy and anxious about that. And I am pretty sure I was showing to you how fast I wanted that my vacations end to finally see you for us spend some WONDERFUL days together. So, I was as much as, or even a bit more excited like that about our trip to Brazil. It was so nice to make the plan and dream about us together there. But do you have any idea of how I am feeling now about this? It is so terrible... It will sound an exaggeration, but I do not want to go without you... I cannot just give up of such nice dream... Is like a torture to think that now you NEED to avoid me to decide about your future... What did happen? What should I do? What did I do wrong? Are there any feelings for me in your heart? This is making me crazy... One day I can stay cool and say to myself that I should wait, because there is nothing I can do. In others I am just angry to you because you are not treating me like I deserve. And there are others (like today) that I am just dying because of this lack of understanding... What are you doing? Please, release me from the pain... I just like you too much to do this by my own like I tried. Part of me is still stuck in that moment when we both were just living magical moments together. This time I really need you to say GO AWAY! Otherwise I will not heal, because you will never explain to me why you care so much to do not hurt Radek and you are just hurting me so bad...
Anyway, most of the time I am just sad thinking about you, wishing to kiss and hug you again, wishing to hear your voice again, wishing that everything that happened this last days were just a really bad dream, and I only need to wake up to continue to be happy with you again!

Let me go....please...

Day 16- 27/12/2009

One more day... really nothing to do... So much time to think about bullshit.

I cannot stop making plans to this trip to Brazil. I started to think what I am going to say to her there to make her see the damage she made to me. Or even how I am going to extract more info about what is happening to her now. I think I am just going crazy and playing the role of a dumb in this story. I prefer she decide to go anyway... I am still lost. I cannot plan my future without knowing if I will stay with or have to give up of Emilia.

Day 15- 26/12/2009

Boxing Day!
I know something that I should put on a box... It should be a huge box, but this feeling for Emilia should be stored and forget for some time to make me feel normal again.

It was the first time I went to work between Christmas and new year's eve. I felt so loser...

Day 14- 25/12/2009

Ok, it is over… Christmas season. I will always be grateful to Steffie for being such a good friend. But I was the extra bag… I did not fit at all... Her parents were great… I even received presents. The food was amazing. But I did not suppose to be there.

I am still feeling like I failed in every single task of this year. And again, as everything that I have been trying to achieve, I almost did it… It was very close, and this only makes me more disappointed. I almost had one nice chance to grow in my career. And more important, I almost found someone to share my life…

I am thinking about her CIAGLE… And it is hurting very much. I am still trying to find explanations in my mind because she really refused to do it properly and just “disappeared”. I wish to be able to stop liking her… sell those tickets and move on like I should. She really hurt me and I just should think she did not do anything to deserve all that I did to her.

Maybe my sister is right. Somehow I only want what is very hard to achieve or impossible to get. This fits very well with this feature of enjoying a little of pain. Why do I like her? I have one answer. Because the way I am, the way I feel when I am with her. So, does not matter with whom, I just want to be with someone capable of triggering such thing in me. Is this love? Is love about this?

I will try to stand like this till my birthday… Till the start of MY new year. It has been thought, and is going to be even more difficult. I hope something happen in between to make me to feel less depressed and miserable.

Day 13- 24/12/2009

Christmas Eve! I want to ask for something from Santa Claus... I want her! No, I want to feel happy again like she was making me happy at the beginning... I want to find my place in the world and START something...Where is my place?

Ok, something more material. I want that she shows to me that she thinks about me today... I want a sms, an email... Something...simple like that...

Emilia,
The last days have been terrible. I feel sad and without a place in the world. I had this feeling buried in my heart for a very long time. Suddenly I thought I could have found my place. I was happy. I felt in love...

You know what, I am not going to write anything!!!
By the way, no wishes became true today...

Day 12- 23/12/2009

I have just waken up...from a dream with her. Emilia was only using towels, on the body and on the head. We were laying side by side. She looked at me and I could see she was about to start to say something. But she was struggling, as usual. I realized it was a dream, and I "escaped" from there before listening my own explanation from her mouth.

I need alcohol to act normally. I am lacking some sort of endorphins and beer, or this gluwine can provide a minimal dose for me to act at least less weird than I am feeling. I wish I could be drunk all day. I look things from other perspective also and do not feel sad.

I am going to write something to her today... maybe before sleeping. Talking about love, the way Roberta told me by skype. If she did not write me on Christmas, neither after 30 when she supposed to receive flowers from me, I will send to her on the day of my birthday...

I went to a therm. Relaxing, but I did no suppose to be here. I am not fitting. I just want to get drunk and go home... wherever my home is...

Day 11- 22/12/2009

This "miss you and think about you continuously" is stuck in my thoughts. I think about this and about her all the time. I had a dream with her talking in Portuguese and kissing me. I had a dream receiving sms from her. I have dreams reading emails from her... I am going crazy. I did not remove her from my life because of this hope, this love is killing me slowly... She is all the time in my mind.

I am Germany... They are very nice people and they are treating me very good. Several beers with Steffie's father. Delicious, and in enormous amount, food. Her mother is making a huge effort o speak in English (and I cannot even say good morning in her language). But I do not belong here... I am the extra bag... Very bad feeling. It is all the time like I really wanted to be part of a real Christmas on the winter, but with my European girlfriend... I wanted that Emilia wanted me there... I wanted to meet her parents and make my effort to speak in Polish with them... I do not want to be the extra bag. I wanted to be the shy new boyfriend from that big country down there meeting the parents in law during Christmas... I am so frustrated and sad to be such a 31 years old loser. I could say that I am probably the only guy with such strong desire of having this kind of Christmas. That is why is not happening at all..FOR SURE. The truth is, I wanted to be in Brazil, but maybe a little more with her...in Poland...

I want to stay away from everybody all the time. I want to stay in this room all day. I want to avoid contact because it is been very hard to do not appear so sad and depressed. I feel bad and I am trying to hide from everybody. But is a very awkward situation and I am almost regretting that I put myself into. Lets see what happens during the rest of the day...

She was always in my thoughts. Every stupid sms from Orange, or anything was a hope to receive something from her... This is really terrible. The rest of the day was OK... An overload of German language, but this was expected. The problem is this sentence. If she is missing me why we cannot be together. My latin blood and culture definitively cannot explain such behavior. But she is far away from being latin, right?

I talked to my sister. I told her a part of the picture. One more person there that knows how stupid and desperate I was to invite any girl to go Brazil only to do not appear there alone... Sad, ridiculous... But I really thought she was special... she could be my real second love...

Day 10- 21/12/2009

Tęsknię za Tobą i myślę o Tobie CIĄGLE :(

It seems she really do not want to hurt him... But she is hurting me, and very much. I am not sure yet if the question is guiltiness, pressure from the family or something else. The point is that she prefers to take the risk of losing me than just make him suffer faster at once. I really do not get properly, but it is too important for her to do not hurt him that bad. I still cannot see the sense in just staying away from me... Maybe is part of the first plan, to stay distance from him, try to make him understand that the love can be changed to friendship without pain. And then, after some time (who knows for how long) she can try to have something with me. This is way too naive to believe... but maybe is the true... She is very wrong, I can say.

I decided to do not sell yet her tickets to Brazil...She is going to believe from yesterday to 30/12/2009 that I am just trying to forget her... (maybe I will send a Christmas message, lets see...). And then she will (her brother actually) receive flowers from me, asking if she still wants to go to Brazil. This keeps my hopes really high... If this is bad or good is still a great mystery for me

I also decided to go to Germany for Christmas with Steffie and Louis, her fiance. Sounds so loser and so different of what I wanted that happen. I am still not sure, but what are my options? Grenoble with the lost Brazilians? Lyon with Anna and the Russians that are staying in my place or Germany with a German family... The feeling that I do not have my space is very strong. I am going to spend the rest of the day traveling now...

Day 9- 20/12/2009

It is not snowing anymore... but it is -11C outside! When I said that everything is happening at the same time, I had no idea that even the nature will contribute to my sadness and isolation.

I went out last night with David and Euripedes. We have got drunk and they planned to go for ski today. I am not going... work... house cleaning....decisions to make...in general depression. And I feel so bad because I lied and I said that I was still with Emilia...That we still are going together to Brazil...It was a loser's lie. I still have the tickets, but I cannot see this happening... Damn, I hate that this. The happiness avoided me to be the quiet and silent guy of always. And now the lies started...I had promised do not lie anymore...

I had a very weird dream. I meet another girl. Good-looking, not as good as Emilia, but beautiful. She approached me and we started to talk about several things, which I do not remember the content. I only remember the feeling of peace, of easy talking without pressure or tension. Very pleasant feeling... She kissed me. It was nice, almost real and it was like Emilia did not exist. But then I noticed something on her neck... like a scar but thick. She became embarrassed and described that she was about to try to remove, but she was scared by the operation and gave up. I remember Emilia at the same second, I realized it was a dream and woke up at the same second.

I wish she write me something regretting the way she has been treating me. Or at least telling me the truth about what happened. I am still lost... I still love her... I still hope for one kind of a miracle that could make my life happy again.

MIDDAY: She wrote me... Not the miracle I was expecting, but gave me hope. I am not sure if this is good or bad for my metal health... She tried to explain...somehow... king of vague way... I will reflect about the content and write about it tomorrow.

But what disturbingly kept the hope was:
Tęsknię za Tobą i myślę o Tobie CIĄGLE :( (Something like, I miss you and think about you CONTINUOUSLY :( ) Damn, I love her and I just wanted to have her RIGHT now...

Day 8- 19/12/2009

After these blockings on gmail and on Facebook I went back to the bottom again... I am deep on the hole and I cannot see the way out... No love and no job is very hard to carry. There is no joy in my life and I do not know what to do to feel at least normal again. I wanted to be back to the empty/frozen heart Rodrigo from before. I hope this happens fast, I am dehydrated of so much crying. I am worried that I exploded and told my mother about that. ALL that HELL that I am living. I can see she is really worried because of my total lack of hope... but I could not pretend... maybe I have to try harder and show at least some sort of fake hope to calm her down...

I did not send yet the letter from yesterday to Emilia. It is very hard to give up from what we lived together for this shorter period and to give up of what I have planned to share, to have with her. How could I be so wrong? There is something wrong in my behavior with girls that I like that keep just pushing them away from me. By the other hand, girls that I do not like are always coming back...

I am going to ask to the "Polish coin of destiny" if I should send the letter or not... Bullshit! I am going to send...DONE :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

I feel that my life is so empty now... She abandoned me when I most need to have love in my live. How she could be so cruel... I do not know if I stay here in France with 3 Russians in my place or if I go to Germany with Steffie, her fiance and her family for Christmas. Anyway I do not belong anywhere... I have no one... I have nothing... I want to stop crying.

I was walking down the streets today and after one whole night snowing everything is white in Grenoble. It is so different, it is so like Christmas should be. I should be enjoying this. But it is only making me feel even sadder. Without someone to share the beauty is like a torture for me. I wish I could stop wishing that she were here...or I were there... or that we were together anywhere...

I want to go home... I want to forget that 2009 really existed. Now I can only say that I conquered one good friend in this damn year, Steffie. The rest was just small periods of happiness that made this end of the year one of the worst years of my life.

Day 7- 18/12/2009

It was always hard to read you...but to "stay with", or to "move on" without regrets or second thoughts I really needed to get a proper read from you...

Rodrigo: "Why am I not your friend on Facebook anymore?'
Emilia: "I dont know what to write... Im sorry :( I hate myself and what I do.. I just dont know what to do! I probably need someone to think for me right now or I need time to calm down"

Emilia,
I definitively cannot say if you have serious problems and need help, if you are extremely immature and selfish, if you are doing to me the same thing you did to Radek (or maybe a mixture of what you did with both "ex ek"s of your life), or if you are just playing with me and keeping me on "stand by" or "on hold" while deciding what do you want for your life. Anyway, does not matter the reason if you just do not want to share/tell this to me and make things clear and honest. I think I deserve better.

I tortured myself and read all the letters, emails, chats ans sms between us... They show something so beautiful and exciting...(THE MOST of my life). This lack of understanding is SO painful... Now I hate to remember two statements from you :

" Do you think this feeling you have form me can just go away as fast as it appeared? I know I asked about that before… but you told me that you used to have some emotional explosion for your girlfriends in the past and after a while it burned down and you were left without any feelings for them… :/ This is not something which really “sits” on my mind right now but I would like you to think about it and give me a HONEST answer… I’m kind of turning my life upside down because of you and it would be very unfair if you were not honest… :( " - UNFAIR? YOU DID THAT AND I WAS HERE FOR YOU! SO, NOW, WHY YOU CAN NOT BE THE HONEST, THE CLEAR ONE?

"Your heart is safe with me like in a Swiss bank ;) there is only one way road now with one big... something in the end:] we just have to wait a bit longer <3" - SAFE? IT IS SQUISHED...AND WHAT IS IN THE END? ONE BIG INTERROGATION MARK?

With this email I am giving up... I am very sad because the Emilia that looked at me in the eyes when we were holding so tight during those cold days in Poland and said : " I also like you TOO much" would never treated me like I have been treated (doubts, indifference, any sort of care, no answers for phone calls, blockings, blankness...). I could love you anyway, and I could understand your problems and wait, but it seems it is not the case.

So, now THIS SOMETHING that keeps saying to you to do not lose me or forget about what happened will have to scream MUCH louder and not only inside you. It must be louder enough for me to hear and believe. Otherwise I do not want to hear about or see you for a long time.

I could not find anything more appropriate to end this letter than just quoting myself:

"I know that away from you I want that all those strangely strong feelings were just past. I do not think I deserve to keep those feelings without you closer to enjoy them, it would be too sad for me. And I also hope that you will be just happy and still without any regrets of the choices you made.

Vou sentir saudades da Polonesa mais linda e adoravel do mundo por muito tempo ainda…”

Rodrigo :(

Day 6- 17/12/2009

I drank a full bottle of red wine before be able to sleep again... She seems to be so immature doing such disappearances after a nice comment or a question related to us. I never saw her in that way before. I know, she kind of treated Radek like this (I think) but her behavior is not only bad for me. It is also very strange and hazardous for her own life and development as an "adult". She really thinks I am an idiot? That I can not notice that she is ignoring me? To see things from the brighter side is totally different from pretend to be a dumb.

I am no longer her friend on Facebook... She kind of blocked me... What the fuck this means!?!? I can only be drunk, have two of those sleeping pills to do not dream or think about her...I WANT TO HATE HER!

Day 5- 16/12/2009

Emilia sentence: "But the truth is that all the time something is screaming inside me that I should not lose you or cannot forget about what happened (and I really don’t want that!)"

In general I am very sad. I am confused and kind of pissed off. I wish I could just erase her right now. One more f... time in my life that I wished that such system from "Eternal Sunshine" was really real. There is no sense in all of this. I am making a huge effort to look always to the brighter side. But definitively something is missing in this picture (and several "dark" pieces fit quite well). It is possible trying to just ignore that during the whole day, but sometimes I just cannot.

I need more explanations. I was wondering if I would ever forgive her for such selfish behavior. Maybe after filling the lacks of understanding, but now I am not sure.

This is one more day that starts with the feeling that I was the stupidest guy in the world when I bought those tickets for her to go to Brazil. I am very ashamed to tell people that I did this. The only situation when it would make sense to go to Brazil with her would be IN TOTAL AND MUTUAL LOVE. It is becoming each day more clear that it is not, and maybe it never was, the case. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on me...

I have one strange thought in my mind that started very shy and now is becoming more present. Should I just try to keep her attached to me; even in such unpleasant way, and be sure (or at least almost sure) that she will go to Brazil with me? Just to show off one pretty Polish girl for my family and friends. This is NOT REALLY the kind of behavior that is natural for me, but maybe I should just change to a more jerk kind of guy. It will protect my feelings and it will avoid awkward explanations about why I am there (in Brazil) alone now...

MIDDAY: It was the Christmas lunch at EMBL. I really do not remember another day in my life in which I felt so not fitting. I am not going to stay there for next year. I have the feeling that after Radek's post on my FACEBOOK everybody is looking at me with some sort of disgust. I really thought that was impossible to feel more down again, that I was climbing up. But this damn Christmas lunch and the bullshit lab meeting from Zhaolin (you can read Ramesh, is the same shit) really pushed me back a little closer to the bottom. I decided to give up and just went home to drink with those pills and try to sleep as long as possible...

NIGHT: I was talking to my mother and she noticed how upset I was... I just exploded crying! I REALLY wanted a hug from her (my mother) that time. I explained almost every thing that is happening, how miserable, lost and sad I have been feeling because I have no work for next year and Emilia is treating me the worst way possible. My mother could not see the whole picture because is way too complicated, but crying always help somehow. She only said something about our different cultures and that she maybe has more dificulties to talk about her problems...

I did not like to say that, but it seems that I just cannot have a partner in my live that like (love is really ask too much), admire and care about me and my problems and or my feelings as much as I can do.

Day 4 - 15/12/2009

Today I notice how the "silly" lyrics from Jimmy Cliff's song, that reminds me SO much her, is appropriate for what I have been facing. I miss her so much, but I am really earning hope because of all that happened. I am afraid to lose her so fast. However, somehow with a little effort I can make peace in my heart, and I can think more clearly now. I still cannot understand why my love it is not enough to fill her life with JOY, if one of the problems is my absence in her daily life. But I am looking to the brighter side. If I could REALLY understand everything and every single person of this world, probably life would be just too boring. I also decided to send each day one small heart in her mobile. Actually one more each day. I sent one on Sunday after reading her email. Today I sent two and I will keep doing this, one more each day (or maybe I could put five tomorrow...). There is something very special in this girl... And it is the way I feel, the way I am when we are together. I am a better person with her. The problem is that I LOVE TO LOVE, maybe as much or even more that I LOVE TO BE LOVED...

"... I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
GONE are the DARK clouds that had me DOWN...

...oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone
all of the bad feelings have disappeared
here is that rainbow I've been praying for
it's gonna be a bright bright bright bright "SUN" shiny day..."

MIDDAY: Now she just make a strange contact with me... She talked about a CRAP song from Nelly Furtado: "All Good Things". I just hate this trait of my character, but I ALWAYS try to read between the lines... And the lyrics really bothered me..."Flames to dust
Lovers to friends, Why do all good things come to an end" What do f... she meant? It is over in her mind? From lover, she sees me as a friend now? I am not her friend in that sense. And why she cannot mention that huge email that I sent to her? If she does not agree or something, just say. I am still focused on seeing the brighter side. So, I just wrote this damn thoughts here and I will erase then from my mind. I will keep waiting for some answer from her without pressuring. I can really be the strong one and help her in this difficult time (which will also help me to see a happier future). I just need her allowance.

Day 3 - 14/12/2009

I am holding my feelings better today. I still feel like crying thinking why my love is not enough to make her do not feel alone...but I am holding on. She sent one email for the reply I asked. The content is "quite nice". Shows a high level of reciprocity. She does not want to lose me neither forget what happened between us. I am still shocked that I put myself in such situation. I wish I could only just go there now hold her in my arms and say: "If you miss me and you cannot feel good because you feel alone, I am not going away. I am staying, because since you thawed my heart YOU ARE the priority for me". To be honest I just need one ask for that and I would go...
I sent a reply of my reply. But I really thought for some considerable time before doing this. I want her. I want to deal with her problems. I am really avoiding all the dark thoughts that were making me just relate every single change to some regret, or end of the crazy feeling that put us together. It is not easy because the dark side has several plausible arguments. But I cannot earn anything just having them. I am following Steffie's tip to send those black clouds away, to follow the content of her email and just hope that she allows me to show my effort. The problem is that I think she will not answer fast... She will make me wait for sometime anyway. I hate waiting, but I will. I will only communicate to her by those gmail quotes. It is very hard to do like this. I need an extra strength that I hope my love for her can provide to me...

Day 2 - 13/12/2009

I am crying all the time. People on EMBL's corridors are seeing me crying. I just cannot control. Each 2 -5 minutes I remember the feeling that I felt when I was crossing the mountains between Czech Republic and Poland, and started to snow. I also cried. But because I could not contain the happiness for the expectation of seeing her and spend time with her. Everything was perfect. I thought that finally I was deserving being HAPPY AGAIN after sooooo much time just living without any joy in my heart...How the FUCK this changed so fast!?!?!? I need to know! I do not think I will be able to wait till January to figure out somehow. I am trying to wait one or two days to see if I just calm down and stop caring and missing her SO (TOO) much! Maybe I should just give up... And accept that is really over. Whatever it was that she felt, was small and not with all the meaning you expected (AND FUCKING DESERVE!!!). From the bottom of my heart I regret that I wrote that stupid message and left in her bathroom. All the happiness I felt was not worth how miserable I am feeling now.

And it is really becoming worst... Now Radek published on my facebook that "I am a pitful guy, not even a man". So, even without her, I am the fucking bastard of the shitty story. Yes, I do deserve some more pain to feel like the worst person, that do not deserve one long period of happiness and inner peace.

Day 1 - 12/12/2009

I am feeling very bad. Very sad. But I am not crying. I do not know the meaning of that. It is like I watched a movie with a sad end. Only one movie made me cry "Eternal Sunshine". And it seems that my own movie cannot. I really hope that this is the starting of the refreezing process of my heart. I do not want to go through this path for a long time. From complete happiness to a total sadness in around 2 months. What really happened? Was it love somehow? What did I do to make the "magic" goes away so fast? Now I hate that this trip to Brazil is still holding us together somehow... Make me angry for being so stupid... Give me an evil hope that she really needs this time for herself but still likes me. What is the REAL meaning of all that? I am so LOST. And now I am feeling enviness... I envy people that have someone in their life. And people that have one person to share the life and are still somehow successful, professionally. Now I do not ask for both... I just wanted to have one of them...Preferentially... The first one... And that this first one was Emilia. Now I drop one tear.

I want SO much to stop seeing her beautiful naked body every time that I close my eyes to try to sleep...