Day 108 - 29/03/2010

To Emilia... about today and the pictures...

I do not want to hurt you (actually I cannot... I am just not able to), I only wanted to stop feeling like crap. I let everybody see those pictures (and how I feel about them) because I wanted "they" to know that I really like you (since nobody bothered to ask me and only judged me as the asshole that destroyed the nice relationship of the nice Radek). Because now, it is how it looks like, that I PLAYED with you, just for fun, and the poor Radek was/is hurt and I am laughing. NOT FAIR. I am very hurt because at the end I do not have you.

But I should not care about this... about what people from here think, and about you that way... It was just another extremely stupid move...

Honestly, I have no clue how to deal with you and with all that happened, in my currently poor state of mind. I do not know if I should try to understand you, hate you or just hate myself because I did the same mistake with you that I did before (I showed the most 'terrible" feeling of humans... I even cannot say the name anymore... starts with a "L"...).

So, I must avoid you and the thoughts about you (and about this very shitty outcome for me) more efficiently. And you should avoid any contact with me. And I mean, no small favors, no questions about Madrid, and no explicit support to my Brazilian Brewery. Do not get me wrong, I like your support, I like that you are a fan of it.. it means a lot for me... TOO MUCH. So, it is not good for me, because it keeps a very harmful hope in my heart that some how you still like me...

I removed everything... Have a nice time with your family.
Rodrigo

Day 106 - 27/03/2010

I have just given Maresia away... to that lady from the Emerens` old building.... I am so sad... my heart is hurting so much... it is very difficult to stand. I hate myself! I am avoiding human contact for so long and I just let my little friend, who was there for me all the time, down. Who has been so cruel putting me in so many hard situations!?

I cannot stop crying. I tried to find one person to talk about this... but could not my mother... my sister... and even Emilia... nobody was there... Steffie also dido not answer the phone. I feel so terrible... I feel like I am a monster. WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A MONSTER WITH MY LITTLE CAT!!?? This is extremely painful...

Day 105 - 26/03/2010

I found a place for Maresia... and again I am relieved but EXTREMELY sad... :( It seems that all my decisions last 12 months were really shitty moves. I will be completely alone tomorrow...

I had a dream about Emilia... again. We were in Brazil... making beer... :( This is so stupid! I just wanted to share this with her... WHY?? I really need to stop thinking about her... right now is harder because I am procrastinating everything and free time is what I have the most. Hang on Rodrigo...

Again my life could be funny for someone outside. Two new problems (partially solved):
1- Elisa wants to move on 6th April to here... She did not pay attention in what I said, so her family is coming... But I will stay with Steffie till 10th. She is really great. I SO envy Louis... she is very special...;
2-More 300 euros were spent using my french card! And I had to go to the police station to state what happened (dépôt de plainte). Fucking hard, but my french is better than I thought... Strange, police station in French is "Hotel de Police"... or there is something that I missed?

Day 104 - 25/03/2010

It was a hard year... NO, A FUCKING HARD YEAR!!! (I mean from March to March, my first year in Europe)

INDEED... However, what did I learn from all that? Here it goes the TOP 12:

1-Brazilians (particularly, ME) cannot stand REAL winters (good company and the right "chemical additive" can help, but still...);

2-Ice and snow are definitively the "states of water" that I HATE the most (I like liquid, liquid, liquid, not falling from the sky and SALTY!);

3-Jack and Meg White ("siblings") were FUCKING married (ok, stupid one, but "changed" my life);

4-French language is not so gay as everybody think it is (however, I probably should work on a more "gayish" pronunciation to be more understandable in France);

5-Women are EVIL (oh yes, they SO are! but I am going to keep looking for my ANGEL);

6-Belgian Beer is cheaper in France than in Belgium (at least in Bruxelles);

7-Home made sushi is the best (and I know how to prepare);

8-"Titre de Séjour Spécial" (SO COOL diplomatic VISA) is useless to work in other European countries;

9-There is a significant amount (quite high) of true in ALL Brazilian jokes about Portuguese people (or maybe THEY are playing a machiavellic joke with me about my citizenship...??... no, it would be too clever);

10-There are a lot of assholes (I met a BIG one) in this world that really enjoy to make people miserable and their lives harder. "Those bastards will all suffer from their own bitterness and lack of life purpose outside the work place" (yep, that was me cursing them... or him, specifically);

11-It sounds weird, but too much LOVE can be harmful (It makes you blind, dependent and helpless. It will hurt you and almost certainly it will push the loved one away from you);

12-Although I reached the rock bottom, I know I can TAKE A LOT and still, my heart will keep on beating afterwards!

Time to reset!!!

Btw, why did she have to become a fan of my Brewery on Facebook!?!?!? It fucking hurts... I brought beer from Brazil ONLY to show to her... :(

RESET RODRIGO, R.E.S.E.T. !!!!

Day 101 - 22/03/2010

I was looking for the contact to that old lady that lives in the same building of Emerens' old apartment (I think I will ask if she wants to keep Maresia)... And I found many things related to Emilia... (red panties, tickets to Poland, silly notes...) I cried instantly. I am so sad... Damn!! I miss her so much :( Why the fuck she does not want me anymore? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I need so much to overcome all this... I just do not know how... And know with my complete isolation, it will be even harder. I am crazy and sick. I need help, but I can not ask for it...

Day 100 - 21/03/2010

I am feeling so lonely... but I do not want to see or meet anybody. I just want to (re)start again... fast! I am dying here. I hate this place and everything that happened this year.

I am so angry... but I do not want to hurt her... neither that she hates me.

I am so bored... but I do not want to do anything. I am just waiting...

I have to forget... I have to stop trying to understand ortherwise I am REALLY going crazy.

"I must be fine cause my heart's still beating" Is it?

Day 98 - 19/03/2010

Last day... I am going to clean up my bench... but before I will finish the fucking libraries. Lets see if I was successful.

I am feeling like a loser today. I am not so sure why, but I want to hide... I do not want to talk. I am severely "ashamed". But I cannot precise of what...I think this will only stop when I start my new job.

Ok, several emotions regarding these fucking libraries. First, I thought it did not work. Then I decide to look more carefully and finish the protocol (that is why I am still here at EMBL, during my last day, till 24h). Now I have a good feeling about them. I could see on the gel. Not so strong, but not so faint smear (I was expecting a smear). Now I am just going to send all the infos to Ramesh and it is his problem to decide if worth to send. I am... relieved... I am not so shitty... Uffiiii....

And, by the way WHAT THE FUCK MEANS "kawa, kawka, kawusia 8( "? (Something like "Cafe, cafezinho, cafezito" ? There is another non-literal meaning? Why is there a sad face at the end? Who knows?)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Why do I still fucking care about Emilia!